I Will Finish My Race

These last few months have been hard on me. I have been met with disappointments, shut out of relationships, and have struggled with growing dissatisfaction in my career. My health seems to have taken a remarkable or should I say noticeable decline. It seems at every corner I am faced with yet another dead end in this rat maze we call circumstances of life. I become outraged when I pay close attention to the direction my beloved country has taken and do not understand why so many people choose the leaders of such poor character that we have in the highest positions. I see people I care deeply about making terrible decisions in their lives that are bound to bring them misery yet I cannot do anything about it. I constantly worry over things that are out of my sphere of control yet I ponder on it as if by sheer will I can create the change I desire. I struggle with myself to improve in many areas of my own life but find myself deeper in self anger when I do not achieve my goals. Speaking of anger, I find that my level of tolerance in both large things and small have been lowered to a point that I show my anger that normally I would keep inside. I seem to have a short fuse that sometimes I even enjoy when it is lit and the anger is released. There are so many things left that I desire to do and have but cannot cross over the mountains in my way. When I feel I am making headway something always pops up unexpected to set me back a pace or two. But one thing I do have that burns deep inside of me like the white coals beneath a fire is a drive to push forward and meet these challenges head on. I sometimes have to dig deep into my soul to bring that part of me up to the surface but it is there ever present. I am unafraid but for one thing and that is to not succeed before the sands in the hour glass of my life has run out. I see myself in my minds eye as reaching my goals and grabbing on to the dreams of my heart. It is an inner struggle that battles within me between the desire in my heart and the troubles of circumstance that fall in my way. But I will hold on, push on until I find my way. I will not give up on my life and the purpose that I have been placed here to achieve. I will not let others hold me back because of what I am and who I am. I will not give up on my great country and allow it to slip from greatness nor will I allow myself to slip from the high marks I have set for myself. I will overcome and run my race to the end. I will finish my race.

Sometimes I Just Sit and Wonder

I think about my life and what it means or think about what it is supposed to mean. Is it a test? Am I just an experiment to see what I will do in any given situation? Am I just like a mouse that has been placed in a box filled with a maze of pathways to choose with nothing but my own brain and its storage of experiences to guide me through the next opening in the maze, only to hope I choose the right path? I am but one person, one body in the world of so many people at a specific period of time. I am Just one in billions who each have their own paths to travel. I have responsibilities to others, my family, my children, my bosses, my employees. All of whom depend upon me. Every conversation that comes from my mouth effects all those who are around me. My chosen words and actions cause the reactions I get from each and every person I come across in this life. Experience as mentioned before causes me to be careful to choose my words with those around me. Why? Is it for just my own selfish desires or conveniences which words I choose to speak to those around me? Do I consider some better than others and speak kinder to them while being less careful with those I feel May not benefit me as much? Or do I have deeper and more pure motives that cause me to treat others as I myself would want to be treated in order to be a benefit to those whom paths I cross? I always take measure of my life and its purpose and yet I always seem to be unsatisfied with the results of what I see. Is it again selfishness that I am not where I feel I could have been at this point in time, or do I feel pride that I am in better circumstances than others I see around me? Could it be that it may not be pride I feel but gratefulness that I have more than others may have? Or is it as it seems most of the time that I feel I do not have as much in my possession as others do around me? I think sometimes of all the people I have hurt in one way or another, some out of meanness and some out ignorance. Maybe a few I have hurt have been out of jealousy? Why do all these people cross my path and some stay but so many seem to go away? Are these same people merely traveling their own path in search of what meaning life has to them? Could it be that I am one of those people who simply do not offer as much benefit to their own lives and they move onward to other places and people? Sometimes I wonder what affect my life will have had in other people’s lives long after I reach the end of this maze. Will I be remembered by those who remain? Will I have left an impression on them that they may have benefited from or will my passing be of no consequence to their lives at all? I wonder if my life will have touched enough people in a positive giving way that will leave those behind with something to pass on for others to benefit. Has God given me life in order to offer a chance for me to do good for others? Or has God given me life as an experiment of failure to which opportunities were given but I failed to see them and let the selfish desires cloud my way, or the heartaches and troubles cause me to lose heart? When I think deeply like this it always seems to make me feel yet again unworthy or incapable due to the many wrong decisions or failures whether through ignorance or fault. At last, I see that I am imperfect and in need of God’s help when things are going good and especially when I am simply just being me and make a total mess of things. Thank God that He is merciful. Even for those like me.