I wonder sometimes why I react to things that occur in the way I do. Sometimes I may be slow to anger and at other times have a hair trigger temper that ignites anger from deep within me. In my profession I have been trained extensively to deal with people who would get in my face and call me every name and curse word in the book while being a possible physical threat to myself or others and for the most part I have always dealt with these people and situations quite well under the stress of such altercations. In my personal life I have not been quite as successful. Sometimes I have a very short fuse when dealing with people in my personal life when they do or say things I do not like. I have discovered that it is usually those who are closest to me that will see the side of me that can be very mean and hurtful. I think most of all it is the sense of betrayal that triggers instant rage inside me. I hate rejection and the betrayal of trust most of all. Sometimes to the point where I have cut many friendships and even family relationships off with silence for years if I feel betrayed. I will also act out in retaliation in many different forms for my revenge if I feel deeply wounded by it. In my personal life I sometimes come to expect the worst in everybody and wait for the day that my expectation of them is fulfilled as predicted. I do not trust people and it effects how close I allow people to get to me. I know all this sounds anti-social but those who know me know that I am very outgoing and enjoy people's company. I just draw the line and keep people at bay if they start becoming a close friend. Is it fear of betrayal or just the avoidance of disappointment in the end that causes me to be that way? I feel like I have been building walls around me for years and only allow a very select few enter inside. And those few are the ones who seem to cause me to lash out when I feel rejected or betrayed. Lately I have wondered why I do not allow those few any mercy or forgiveness when they do not live up to my expectations. Do I make it so difficult that I don't allow room for error and mistakes? I often wonder what right I have to feel this way when I myself would want instant forgiveness for my own mistakes and lapses of trust. I need to be slow to anger with those I love the most instead of waiting for disappointment from them.
