Muzzling our Mouths

Since everyone is aware of what recently happened to Juan Williams employment with the National Public Radio I will not rehash the details. The bottom line to the whole story is the continuance of the radical and socialist left to muzzle the mouths of their political opposition by spreading fear throughout the land of exercising their 1^st amendment right of free speech. This time they have chosen one of their own liberal mouthpieces to lay upon the sacrificial alter of political correctness, Juan Williams for the crime of speaking his true fears concerning Muslim’s who seek to murder American citizens. Juan admitted on NPR that he admits it makes him nervous while on an airliner to see members of this faith on the plain with him wearing Muslim garb. What normal and sane individual would not think back to September 11^th 2001 when they notice a person dressed as a Muslim on the airplane with them? But Juan’s crime was voicing his true feelings. Why? Because it is politically incorrect to say anything that may offend certain members of a protected class of people which happens to be any minority group or off the wall radical religious group which is Anti-Christian in nature. Understand this was not only designed to punish Juan Williams but to instill fear into the hearts and minds of anyone who wishes to speak out against those protected under the umbrella of political correctness. It is designed to muzzle the mouths of those who refuse to have their own self thinking minds muted out of fear of losing their source of making a living. Well certainly if a liberal minded mouthpiece of the radical left can lose his job surely we could lose ours. The very first Amendment to the constitutions states

“Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the government for a redress of grievances.”

Exactly what part of this constitutional amendment is so confusing that people believe they have the authority to take someone’s livelihood away from them for speaking their mind even if it offends another person? I have the right to like or dislike another person based on any reason or preference I should choose. I also have a constitutional right to speak out against the actions of my government or individuals and even religious groups that I do not agree with as long as I am peaceful while doing so. It is painfully clear to me that our government and various governmental networks are allowing free people to lose their rights when they speak out against something the government supports. It seems to me that our constitutional rights apply to everyone and everything but We the People and our freedom to exercise those rights. Our mouths are being muzzled for the purpose of keeping us quiet while they manage to separate us from the protections of our constitution. When that happens we become mere slaves to the wishes of our government. Will we go down in the history of this great nation as the people who allowed the constitution to become meaningless or will we go down in history as people who had a backbone and refused to be separated from our rights as free Americans?

The Encourager

There seems to be some real power that imparts from one person to another through encouragement. Sometimes it can greatly tip the scales in the favor of a person even when they do not realize it. I think some people were born with that special talent given by God just to keep those around them going. I read many books and have watched many films where someone is in a particular situation or crises and there always seems to be someone around at the right time to give a word of encouragement to the one most in need of it. Maybe a greenhorn in combat is given a slap on the back by his Sergeant and a small word that tells him he is doing good even when nothing good appears to be happening and that young greenhorn has his fear subside and replaced with confidence that helps him trust in his ability and training better. Or even the other night,  I was watching The South Carolina versus Kentucky game and saw the Old ball coach talking with one of his injured players and slap him on the shoulders to encourage him. I could not hear what was said but I could read it on the coach and player’s face. It will be okay! It seemed to me that the coach needed more encouragement at the moment than the injured player but I respected the fact that he took time out of his own predicament to encourage one of his players. I wonder if the player thought so or was he so discouraged by his injury that he didn’t notice? Sometimes as human beings we really do get caught up in despair and do not recognize the encouragements that we receive from that special someone who thinks enough of us to say something kind and get us moving along in the right direction when we are down by circumstances. Sometimes we realize much later when our source of encouragement is no longer around. What a sad feeling it is when you realize this later when you no longer have a cheerleader on the sidelines of your life. I have heard many biblical speculations on the subject of Eve being a helpmeet to Adam. I have heard it described as a domestic partner, a life partner that aids her husband with his every day needs. I think a helpmeet is really intended to be an encourager. The one who keeps you motivated and is there to push you on to be the best you can be within yourself.  I really think it is true I believe, when the statement is made that behind every good man is a great woman. Nothing replaces having someone to pick you up when you are feeling down or to motivate you when you feel you just can’t go on. 

I Will Finish My Race

These last few months have been hard on me. I have been met with disappointments, shut out of relationships, and have struggled with growing dissatisfaction in my career. My health seems to have taken a remarkable or should I say noticeable decline. It seems at every corner I am faced with yet another dead end in this rat maze we call circumstances of life. I become outraged when I pay close attention to the direction my beloved country has taken and do not understand why so many people choose the leaders of such poor character that we have in the highest positions. I see people I care deeply about making terrible decisions in their lives that are bound to bring them misery yet I cannot do anything about it. I constantly worry over things that are out of my sphere of control yet I ponder on it as if by sheer will I can create the change I desire. I struggle with myself to improve in many areas of my own life but find myself deeper in self anger when I do not achieve my goals. Speaking of anger, I find that my level of tolerance in both large things and small have been lowered to a point that I show my anger that normally I would keep inside. I seem to have a short fuse that sometimes I even enjoy when it is lit and the anger is released. There are so many things left that I desire to do and have but cannot cross over the mountains in my way. When I feel I am making headway something always pops up unexpected to set me back a pace or two. But one thing I do have that burns deep inside of me like the white coals beneath a fire is a drive to push forward and meet these challenges head on. I sometimes have to dig deep into my soul to bring that part of me up to the surface but it is there ever present. I am unafraid but for one thing and that is to not succeed before the sands in the hour glass of my life has run out. I see myself in my minds eye as reaching my goals and grabbing on to the dreams of my heart. It is an inner struggle that battles within me between the desire in my heart and the troubles of circumstance that fall in my way. But I will hold on, push on until I find my way. I will not give up on my life and the purpose that I have been placed here to achieve. I will not let others hold me back because of what I am and who I am. I will not give up on my great country and allow it to slip from greatness nor will I allow myself to slip from the high marks I have set for myself. I will overcome and run my race to the end. I will finish my race.

America Dividing into Good versus Evil

I remember when I was young during the Vietnam era and beyond we were constantly warned of the evil of communism, Anti-Christian beliefs and the overall bad in the world and the dangers of allowing it to grow. I remember watching a film at church that depicted what it would be like in America if communism took over. How the government would treat the people as if they were slaves, torture and control them. How this would usher in the coming of the Anti-Christ and the mark of the beast. It scared me to death being an eight to ten year old boy trying to wrap this image around my brain. I remember hearing uncles and neighbors, the older men of the day who actually fought in World War II rebuke the Hippies and Anti-war crowd calling them all manners of names filled with disrespect and contempt. Of course, I thought at that time a Hippie was someone who wore long hair and didn’t bathe much so I kept that as a mental image. Those older men I admired would tell stories of these Hippies being draft dodgers and cowards or simply communist. I had no idea what these words really meant other than I thought they didn’t love America and would rather protest the war than to fight in it. I also remember myself fantasizing about being a soldier fighting in Vietnam along side the Army and Marines. In my little heart then I felt I had the courage to fight for my country. I remember trying to understand some of these concepts that preachers would warn about how the world was becoming evil and that one day the bible would be illegal to read or own. They would always say that Christians would have to go underground to worship God in America one day. In my little simple mind I would always think of how we would have to dig tunnels underground to have church and worship. I didn’t understand the wording used but I understood well what they were saying meant that if you believed in God you would be in danger and would have to hide to worship. Now that I am 43 years old, I often find myself thinking that America and its people have lost sight of God and his principles and the love of country that I once knew. Do I pretend to be perfect? By no means am I saying that, I can be a champion sinner at times. But even when I sin I know what I am doing is wrong. I possess the ability to know wrong from right. Over the course of my life so far I have watched this countries government turn from a very patriotic body of leaders into government that detests personal liberties and the history of greatness this country has been to the world. I remember distinctly when I was younger and President Ronald Reagan would be on the television everyone stopped what they were doing to listing to his words. He was the President and he was respected. Now, when I see our current president on the television I either listen to hear what the latest trick our government is pulling on the American people or I switch channels to watch something more productive such as a ball game. Now our president travels the world wide to apologize and put down our great country. What a tremendous disgrace and appalling difference between the two. I also pay attention to the constant attacks on Christianity as this nation seems to be in a nightmare love affair with any and every religion that opposes Christianity, especially that of Islam. We are at war we this fanatical murderous cult and yet our own government will not recognize them as evil and downplays their atrocious murderous ways. I also see where our courts are under legal attack with continuous assaults on the freedoms of Americans to worship as Christians and the bible being removed further and further from public view. What is alarming is how many people in this country now hate this country that is a gift from God to all of us who were blessed enough to be born here. I also see how many people who claim Christianity and vote for those in government who try to remove Christianity away from us. How can this be possible? The people who shout blessed is our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ and then turn around and vote for a candidate of the party that is trying to kill Christianity and have it removed from our lives. I see the warnings of my youth coming to pass everyday. What they were trying to warn us about is happening and most of us deny this.  No, our country has not been taking over by another country like I envisioned it with soldiers parachuting from the sky, but as political enemies of America being voted into office by Americans themselves. The evil and Anti-American crowd simply walked inside upon the invitation of the American people without force. What I see is that what we were warned about as kids is already taking place. I see a great divide taking place in this country that does not run along party lines. I see the great division taking place and forming two groups of Americans. I see these two groups of people as the Good versus the Evil and I wonder sometimes if all the people even realize this is happening. As for me, I will be on the side of good until the end.

Why Re-Elect Pickpocket Politicians?

At this time and age we currently live in with our economy in dire straits we look to our leaders foolishly for an answer to the questions we have about our present circumstances, as incredible as that may sound to those of us who understand that it is because of the terrible decisions of our leaders past and our leaders present that we find ourselves in such tremendous economical troubles. How is it possible that we continuously overlook this simple fact, forgive it and repeat our same very mistakes? Do we not find ourselves in a more precarious financial situation than we did the last every time? As we find ourselves burdened by a national debt that could never be paid within our lifetime we are currently at higher levels of unemployment and more and more people shifting from the unemployed into the roles of welfare recipients. How does our current government take action on these facts? They go on a spending spree of billions upon billions of taxpayers dollars and spend it on useless or unproven programs that our country has nothing to show for it in return. Our government railroads its citizens with the take over of the world’s best, yet expensive health care system and turns it into a money gobbling monster that will surely ruin us financially. At every move the president proposes or enacts legislation to take more money from the pockets of the middle class working person and throw it at a program or individuals that do absolutely nothing to deserve the lottery sized windfall while the working class families struggle to make ends meet on their ever decreasing salaries. Do those who have made a career riding on free parking, collecting welfare checks ever see a decrease in their monthly cash handouts? Why of course not! The working family has to work more hours or take on additional part time work to cover the short fall of income caused by heavy and unfair taxation and inflation due to the falling value of the American dollar. The middle class taxpayer must work to the satisfaction of his employer lest he or she be fired and lose their job, but where is the requirement of the welfare recipient to perform or produce in exchange for the unearned monies they collect? A working family of the middle class is considered fortunate if they have family insurance coverage in the event that they become ill and need medical treatment whether they must pay co-pay at the doctor’s office or come up with extra money for treatments not covered along with very expensive pharmaceuticals required to make someone become healthy again. If one on public assistance becomes ill they are treated and provided medications at the cost of taxpayers, again, for nothing of value given in return. Why in such times as these when the taxpayer must face higher taxes and lower wages, should those on public assistance not receive less as well? I believe in the golden rule myself. I believe we should do unto others as we would have them do unto us! But does this golden rule not apply to them as well? As for our politicians who have put us in this position, including those who choose to be ward’s of the state, why would anyone in their right mind return them back into office to do only more of the same at a higher cost the next go around? The only difference we will ever see from allowing more of the same will be to see less take home pay on our checks. How much more can you afford to be stolen from the fruits of your labor until you find it more beneficial to stop work and reach out your own hand to the government?

BHO’s Stance on National Defense is Simply Gay

Apparently, transparent has a whole new meaning with this Administration from the multi-faceted centrist leaning Barrack Hussein Obama we met during the presidential campaign. Needless to say this Messiah cannot walk on water despite his own greatest desires. As the rest of his followers who have not awaken to the fact that he is not the great Messiah, many have abandoned him in droves as the fake and liar that he is continually becomes apparent to those who are no longer in his sleep provoked stupor on a daily basis. Our national security continues to be America’s largest liability as the Democratic Party continues to play politically correct games with the issues concerning the safety of our country in a world filled with threats as our son’s and daughter’s continue to fight on the ground in Afghanistan without the full support of the  United States government. Recently a $726 Billion dollar defense spending policy bill which included pay raises for the military personnel also included repeal for the “Don’t ask, Don’t tell” law slipped in the bill which is a ban against openly gay personnel serving in the military. I find it to be disgraceful at the very least that funding of our troops and military during two wars would be politicized by this Administration and the far left fringe of the Democratic Party, but I do not find it surprising. It seems this Administration led by our president has managed to choose the wrong path on every issue that pertains to our national defense in what appears to be more of sabotage than sincere error from an inexperienced man trying to govern the people in the role as president of our country. Countless maneuvers such as the refusal of the securing of our borders, suing the State of Arizona who in dire straights has taken on the responsibility to do it themselves, the consistent gutting of our military, the trying of enemy combatants in civil courts and giving our enemy constitutional rights reserved for Americans, The attempts to close Guantamino Bay, the refusal or inability of our president to deal with the nuclear missile crisis of Iran and the refusal of this Administration to support our ally in Israel. I could bore you by listing so much more but I know that you are quite aware of all of these things which undermine our great country as I am. There seems to be one silver lining on our horizon which is the elections of November 2010. It seems that the responsibility of the defense of our country and its national defense will be in our own hands when we walk into the voter booth at that time and rid ourselves of the enemy who occupies Washington. I hope before now and then that more Americans wake up from this nightmare of a dream so many have fallen under and we can once again become a great nation led by true Americans. Saddle up!

Football and Faith

Sometimes I can be in an unusually great mood and all is good in the world and then do something without much thought that maybe I shouldn’t have done in retrospect. Something that I assumed would be good with the best intentions but ends up making me look foolish or becomes embarrassing unexpectedly. I seem to be overly gifted with this ability to go off half cocked sometimes and it frustrates me to no end. I did this again today. What I did was unimportant but only to myself. I doubt it hurt anyone but maybe my own pride. The rest of the day went on smoothly enough and happy enough but still inside I felt like what I had done was a mistake and just simply an embarrassment. I kept this on my mind throughout the rest of the afternoon and it began to grow inside me to the point that I was not embarrassed anymore but angry with myself and causing me to question myself about why I do the things I do. I wonder why I place myself into situations like that. I wonder if it is a weakness or just spontaneous decisions that are not thought over properly. It makes me question how bright I am sometimes. Anyway, later in the evening I started feeling down about it. Really, it was nothing to even worry over other than self pride. I still allowed it to flow through my mind as I finally begun to wind down and let the excitement of watching my favorite college football team which was about to start. The Auburn Tigers were going to play the Clemson Tigers which for whatever reason I have always liked since I was a child. It was a big game in which I had been concerned about since the start of the season. Auburn was favored by 7.5 points. That bothered me also because I felt it was a sucker bet by Las Vegas to make some cash off of the Auburn Tiger’s loss to Clemson. Last week I had told a friend we would lose to Clemson by a touchdown and I believed I picked the score to be 28 to 21. I just didn’t think Auburn could handle their passing game. Immediately as the game started I continued to feel down and my team just looked horrible. Clemson smashed through Auburn’s defense like a pro football club would against an average high school team. My mood did not improve. It is a fact that the state where I reside college football is more passionate and some say more important than religion. Don’t believe it? Take a trip down south and see for yourself. Alabama Crimson Tide had already destroyed the Duke Blue Devil’s a few hours earlier by the score of 62 to 13 so the whole state gathered to watch the Auburn game on ESPN to either pull for Auburn or pull against them by proxy of Clemson. I said all that to illustrate how a football game can either improve your mood or cause you to become very angry. It is sort of like drinking whiskey, it is either good whiskey or bad and you will either be a happy drunk or a fighting drunk after drinking it. Well I felt down already and I became angry with the pathetic showing of my Auburn Tigers who in all actuality, in terms of playing football did not show up. I continued thinking of what was on my mind that day and Auburn was laying down like an old whore to Clemson. Before I realized it Clemson scored yet another touchdown making it a 17 to 0 deficit just before the half. This was going to be a blow out. At right about that time I began to question myself about what in the world I was getting so upset over. Why am I always beating myself up over such inconsequential things which occur in my life whether they are my own fault or not? My attitude began to change. I was feeling sick at myself for allowing myself to feel so angry about circumstances. I assured myself no one else had me in mind so deeply. Nobody else seemed to notice my self embarrassing moments in life at the level of interest and condemnation as I did. I started feeling better immediately. I started feeling my mood change. My son was laying on the couch playing with our cat and I decided to engage in some conversation with him as Auburn began driving down the field. I said to him “Auburn is going to get their butts kicked aren’t they?” Now granted that kids possess a whole lot more faith than life weary adults do but I was still surprised when my son answered “No Dad, Auburn is going to win!” as he turned to look me in the face. I know I had an incredulous look on my own face and he just looked away and mumbled something about having a little faith in Auburn, or maybe he mumbled something about his dad acting like he looked on edge to the point of throwing the television through the living room window, but I’m sure he said something positive. Well it wasn’t long after that and Auburn, unable to continue their final drive of the half lined up to kick a field goal. The score was now Clemson 17 and finally, Auburn 3. I sent my daughter who lives on the East Coast a text to inform her of Auburn’s brush with good luck fortunate enough to get on the score board. I also checked face book to read the constant chatter there of Auburn’s demise by the Tide fans. It sure didn’t look good. I looked at the score on the screen and started thinking absurd thoughts that Auburn was only down by 14 points as they interviewed the coaches, and that it could be possible for Auburn to get back into this game. Well the chatter on face book was not agreeable but the hope began to build inside me for my team to end the embarrassment. I started thinking about some of the great comebacks the Auburn Tiger’s had achieved in all the years I’ve followed them. I also started thinking that it might not be such a bad idea to work towards a comeback from an otherwise not so great day. Why not? Everyone is healthy as they should be and things really aren’t going so bad in my life. I wondered again why I allow myself to get so down over minor and unpleasant things. I am really getting tired of it and want to beat these feelings inside me that make me look forward to disappointments when I should be looking forward to a great life full of life itself. I began to feel ashamed of myself for feeling so weak and ungrateful. After an unexpected visit from some neighbor’s down the street that are very nice, the halftime break was coming to an end and the game resumed. I read a message on face book from a former teacher of my youngest daughter who was quite displeased with the performance of Auburn and I typed a response to her reminding her that this wasn’t Auburn’s first rodeo and how Auburn had come back from 4 touchdowns down against LSU once to win the game. It was a short message of hope and I was risking ridicule from the Bamer’s on face book at the time enjoying Clemson’s dismantling of Auburn, but it also felt good to put a little hope and confidence out there. I thought of how the young Auburn kid’s must be feeling at the moment, how whipped and embarrassed they felt as this underdog team from South Carolina came into their own house and pushed them around. It is real easy when your feeling low from stumbling and throwing interceptions and collecting penalties from mistakes and nothing seems to work or go right, real easy indeed to just give up. The Auburn kid’s chose the opposite despite taken some of the hardest hits in college football and having so many points to catch up just to get back in the game. These young men looked inside themselves and asked themselves if this was the best that they could do. They answered no to that question and dug deep inside themselves just to see how much metal they had in them as sportsmen and later it became obvious to them that they had plenty. Auburn stormed back onto the field and continued to have a few set backs but charged back to score 24 unanswered points against these Tigers from Clemson. The game became even more physical with numerous injuries to players on each team from brutal hard hitting play. The camera zoomed in once to the Clemson Quarterback who was injured earlier and was literally holding on to another fellow player to continue standing on his own feet. The game ended regulation play tied at the score of 24 to 24. Sudden Death overtime rules were in effect and Clemson won the toss to choose offense or defense and field position. Clemson chose to defend. Auburn sputtered once again unable to penetrate the Clemson defense but kicked a field goal to take the lead at 27 to 24. Clemson drove the ball within striking distance of scoring a touchdown when the Quarterback threw to the end zone and the ball struck the receiver in the hands and the ball fell to the turf inches within being a perfect catch. Clemson lined up and kicked a perfect field goal to tie the game in overtime but flags were thrown on the field of play. A penalty against Auburn would almost surely guarantee a Clemson win but Clemson’s center had lifted the ball and placed it back to the ground drawing a penalty that required them to back up and kick again. When the ball was kicked it faded away just left of the goal post clinching a win for Auburn when all looked bleak and un-winnable just moments before. Auburn ended the game in victory when all hope seemed impossible. The Auburn Tigers were favored to win this game but Clemson had other plans and played their hearts out for a big upset to end a thirteen game losing streak against Auburn and they played in outstanding fashion. The Auburn Tigers had to look deep inside their hearts while they were down by 17 points embarrassed in their own stadium and choose to change their attitudes and instead of allowing defeat to swallow them they chose to be victors. During this game I also looked inside myself and saw something I did not like and chose to change it because I was capable of choosing how I felt. I have the choice to allow other people or circumstances to bring me down or to overlook other’s actions and my own self ridicule and move on to be the best I can be myself and allow for mistakes and foul ups without losing hope in myself. I may also be victorious if I choose faith. 

Finding the Source of Pain in Hurting People

Lately it seems I have met a lot of hurting people. People that carry with them pain as if it were an accessory like a wallet in their pocket or a keychain in their hand. I describe it in that manner because it is usually something not spoken about very often and hard to see unless you are aware of it or familiar with such pain. Hurting people become experts at hiding or camouflaging their pain. Sometimes it is obvious in those who exhibit serious withdrawal from others and other signs of depression. But in many the pain swims deep within the mind and soul unseen by others. Sometimes it can be exhibited in other forms of behavior such as humor. I had always heard that most of our funniest comics suffered serious manic depression. The comedy expressed by a comedian being an outlet for their pain or even a form of medication to ease the pain. I am sure that is not the case with all of them but it makes me wonder sometimes if our greatest comics suffered the deepest pain. Other forms of expressing pain are not so pleasing to others such as the bully or the person who cannot get along with other’s well who starts fights or keeps chaos running amuck with those in their lives. It would seem that these types of people prefer to release their pain by transferring pain to others. I have always taken to heart that old saying that misery loves company. Well in some cases this is very true. There are also ones that desire to translate their pain into being destructive whether by being physically abusive, sexually abusive, mentally abusive or even destructive with co-workers by creating sabotage within the workplace or at a specific employee for a perceived wrong whether it occurred in reality or not. Ever noticed the ones that seem to be mad at the whole world or feel the whole world is out to get them? It could be that these types of people had no anchor of trust in someone such as parents that were not there to support them as a child, or absent during their childhood development, leaving them to handle adversity on their own with no one to stand by them in times of trouble or disappointments. I have a unique career which has exposed me to many forms of personal pain in others. There are times I can see it and use it to my advantage quickly to ascertain the actual problem. But to really know the source of the pain only the one experiencing it can explain it. It can be multiple sources of pain and hurt that is deep inside their soul and psyche. The one suffering the pain from others or loss can be the only person that can tap into it and study the issues within to find an answer that will allow healing. That person can only do this when they are ready and able to face what they fear the most. That could possibly be the most frightening aspect of finding healing when you decide to challenge the demons within that torture. Finding healing will never be possible without that confrontation and then the real battle begins. 

Our National Debt; The Madness Must End

I admit that I am not the best at keeping up with personal financial matters. I am not very thrifty with our money. So this task has always been my wife’s responsibility and she has always done the best possible job of it even when the best wasn’t good enough. When we were married I was making after all Federal, State and local taxes a grand total of $127.00, working for the Golden Flake Potato Chip Company driving a truck. I loved that job but was only working as a part time status employee working 39 ours a week. We had an apartment in the Centerpoint area and we were very happy but the money just was not there. Not having money was not unusual because we both grew up very poor but that didn’t matter because we knew nothing different. So anyway it was long before we realized that our income was very low and there were just things we could not afford to buy. We made a rule that we have followed to the present time which was that no matter what we would pay our rent to have a roof over our head and we would always have enough food to eat. All else fell in the order of priority. This system always worked but we had other rules. If there was not enough money coming in I was to work another job in order to create more income. I never left a job until I had a job opening for me. I never quit working to wait for something better to come along and I never under any circumstances left a job to go to another without the new job paying more in salary or per hour. Even when I started my own business I always worked a second job at night to supplement the loss of income during the winter months. My wife also went to work when things got rough. I can’t tell you how many sorry waitress jobs she worked for lousy tips to help us make ends meet. Before too long we had a new member of the family to support which really brought us an underestimated financial struggle. Most parents understand this. So we always tried to make the right and best decisions but we still failed at times and made poor choices such as buying a new vehicle which was murder on the budget instead of settling for a reliable used one at a fraction of the cost. We took vacations when we could not afford them and other such expenses when it would have been better not to but over all we tried to live within our means but it never seemed to be enough although we worked hard. And yes, sometimes we had to go for help during periods of crises to borrow some money. But over all we never went out too far on a limb. We just learned to adjust the best we could with what we had. We still do. What I do not understand is how our federal government never applies these or similar rules to their own methods of finances. We have always had Administrations in charge of this country that controlled the national debt in a roller coaster fashion. The present Administration is a new breed of politicians who have no understanding of handling finances at all. The Obama Administration inherited a National debt in crises and immediately does the opposite of what most sane and mature people would do with their own finances. What do they decide to do? They start spending money that exceeds most imaginable worst case scenarios over and over accumulating an additional 3 trillion dollars in debt that will never be paid off. They do not stop there but keep spending in a madness of irresponsibility that will ensure the children’s children of this country will be burdened down in debt an unable to function in a prudent manner. Knowing this and also knowing that this country is flat broke they decide to print more money to cover the cost of their spending addiction driving down the value of the dollar. They do all of this during a recession the worst since the great depression and unemployment reaching record numbers. Still, they extend unemployment benefits making sure those without work has the incentive to remain out of work. They also propose to take over the best health care system in the world with a plan that in its self will bankrupt the country on its own. This administration seizes every opportunity to take advantage of whatever crises this country is under to spend the tax payer money as a lottery. The Stimulus bill as an example was nothing more than the redistribution of hard earned wealth by the countries working people to those who squandered the money with nothing to show for it. And again Obama has the gall to propose yet another stimulus bill as if the other was a resounding success and most sickening of all is the support he gets from his liberal counterparts in the Democratic Party that go along with this criminal madness of this administration who is suppose to be the Stewards of our money. You would think after such gross failures of this imagination that Obama’s personal approval polling would be as low as congress but it remains in the lower 40s as if the people of this country are still under the spell of Obama being the Messiah who came to save us all. What fools? Either this man has no experience in balancing his own checkbook or he is the worst saboteur in the history of this country. The madness must end.

Her Family Would All Be There

She walked down the side street pausing to look at the items for sale along the merchant’s row. The wind blew her hair from under her headscarf and she absentmindedly tucked it back in place as her eyes flitted from this product to that. She could smell the sweet smell of bread that has been recently taken from the ovens and placed too cool in the open window. The aroma carried by the puffs of wind that brushed coolly across her face reminded her of her birthday just a few weeks away where her family would gather with food and wine to celebrate her special day as they had so many times before. The happy thought chilled her with excitement and goose bumps she could feel rise from her skin. She hurried along now to the market for her shopping errands for her mother had been delayed long enough. She weaved effortlessly between those who walked from every direction on the busy street. She crossed over the street to the market when she heard a vehicle screech to a quick stop behind her kicking up a cloud of dust. She saw the truck with several men with rifles that were jumping down from the carrier portion of the vehicle. Immediately she became frightened from times before when she had witnessed arrests on the street but she pointed her head back in the direction she was walking deciding she had seen enough to alarm her already. She remembered that her mother had told her that she…a hand tightened around her arm at the elbow and she felt her body being pulled behind her causing her to lose her balance when her other arm was grasped as she let out a scream and then shouted “Let me go! What are you doing to me? She lifted her eyes and shook the hair away from them that had fallen again out of her head covering to see that this was a soldier who had laid hands on her. Again, she shouted “Why are you touching me? Set me free! She began to resist the hold of the two men whom had captured her. She was dragged without an answer to the truck and forcefully placed inside it. She felt hot tears rolling down her face and felt many emotions of fear, embarrassment and shame from the treatment she was receiving. She began again to protest but felt a quick sharp pain across her face and the dizziness that accompanied it before she realized she had been slapped hard by the soldier whom sat next to her by the vehicles door. She felt the bumping of the tires on the road and the surge of her body movements as the truck took many turns towards a destination that was unknown to her. She began to feel deep fear in the pit of her stomach as she cried out for her Papa under her breath that was quick and broken with her softly crying sobs. As quickly as her trip began it ended next to the roadway entrance to the Mosque where a crown of people had gathered. Her heart jumped when she saw amongst the throng her uncle, her Mothers brother and several other family members she recognized before again hands were pulling on her and dragging her out of the truck but hope had entered her heart since she had seen Raja in her midst. Loud shouting occurred instantly as she felt the warmth of the sun while being dragged from the street to the common area before the Mosque. Words, she understood a few of the words which were being shouted as she herself screamed “Uncle, Uncle Raja help me Uncle!” She heard the names being shouted at her, Whore, unclean, sinner, defiled. Again, she felt another hard pain with dizziness and the taste of blood in her mouth and upon her lips. She could feel a tooth jutting inward against her tongue. She wept loudly now as she knew her tooth was broken and her lips split open. Blood and saliva dripped freely from her open mouth as she gasped for air to fill her burning lungs. She felt herself being bound by rope around her shoulders then the pain from her behind as she was set forcefully upon the sand. Raja, Papa! She shouted as she lifted her eyes and saw other members of her family and her breath caught as she noticed her mother clutching at the Imam begging him for mercy for her only daughter. She felt her blood run cold with horror as she finally understood what was taking place. Quickly her breath that was being held blew outward with her as she exhaled carrying a stream of blood from her mouth that was caught on the wind and carried behind her. She sat with eyes wide open as men grabbed her yet again and pulled her to a deep hole which had previously been dug in the sand. She continued to watch her mother plead but could no longer hear supplications or the loud jeer of those who walked in her midst as they collected stones from the ground. She turned her head and again saw Raja, her uncle whom reached down himself to collect a rock she would soon feel crash against her body thrown from his hands. She recalled at just that moment the times of laughter, the games she played with him, climbing his back to ride like a Donkey near her home. She felt her feet and legs descend into the narrow hole. Sand and dirt was being tossed from shovels around her body into the hole. She breathed deeply and inhaled sand which caused her to have a fit of coughing. The breathing at once became labored as the sand around her stomach was pressing against her stomach. She tried to see through the tossed sand for another glimpse of her mother but could no longer find her. Was she disoriented? Did they carry her mother away? She had these thoughts as she struggled to suck air into her lungs to scream for her Papa and Mama but not enough air to strengthen her lungs to shout. Her lips moved as she again could hear but only loud noises of screams and shouts. She no longer listened for words. There would be no words to comfort her as she….the pain was blinding as she felt her head thrown backwards from the impact of a heavy stone and her head bounced forward again as her breast was struck, again her head was hit this time from the side with a smaller stone. She felt the hot stream of blood trickle somewhere below her once beautiful hair as pain exploded upon her shoulder. Her eyes pressed tightly as multiples of rocks struck her head, back, shoulder, ribs and neck, each bringing brilliant bursts of pain. She felt more teeth inside her mouth as she tried to spit them out but instead swallowed them. She felt very sleepy and the pain didn’t seem to feel as strongly before. She only felt Just the jolting of her body being moved by the impact of the stones, so many stones. She felt the coolness of the wind again this time caused by the wetness of her bloody face and her thoughts again turned to her Birthday. It will only be a few weeks away…family will…all…be..there….

I heard this story of a young teenaged woman who was accused of a moral crime under the Islamic Sharia Law in which she was not given a trial nor did she have the right to face her accusers or even to beg mercy from the Imam who condemned her. Members of her family participated in this brutal and torturous execution. The above account is only from my own imagination but sadly executions of women in the Muslim world take place in like manner as this story illustrates. 

Rage From the Past

I was talking with a friend today about words and they’re meanings. It reminded me of a time when I was a kid, a newly fatherless kid. I was outside of my home and one of the neighbor men called me a Bastard. I had never heard this word before. I was probably 7 or 8 years old at the time and I remember being intrigued by the word. It was unfamiliar and I couldn’t tell what it meant by the way the man had spoken it to me. I went inside the house and went to my mother’s room to ask her what the word Bastard meant. My mother asked me where I heard that word from and I told her about the neighbor calling me one. My mother started crying. It really upset her and she did not tell me what the word meant so I went to look it up in the dictionary and read the definition. I knew that my mom and dad had me while they were married so I knew that I was not a Bastard and really didn’t understand why that word had upset her so badly until later on in life. What I learned was that by calling me a Bastard was no big deal to me but that it was a very big deal to an honorable Widow with small children to raise on her own. As I told my friend today, it planted a seed of rage within me and I never forgot this occurrence. As I got older it became obvious to me how cruel some people are without cause or reason. Even later in life it dawned upon me how cowardly some people can be when there is no fear of the man of the house coming to look for them to punish their cheap and cowardly acts of dishonor. I had many such acts as these to take place in the church where I grew up in, schools and as mentioned before in the neighborhood. I wonder now how many times my brothers may have experienced being taken advantage of when there was no father to defend them. I often thought of this throughout my teen years and into my adult life and could always feel the burn of rage inside me, the desire to exact revenge against someone for their trespasses against me, the child of so many years before. As a kid I would fantasize about my father being alive and going to them and whipping their tails. As an adult sometimes I would fantasize about going back into time as the adult me and catching these persons tormenting me and beating them within an inch of their lives. Somehow these thoughts relieved a little tension but they never caused the rage inside to dissipate. I have always carried that rage with me and at times have allowed it to overreact to situations that caused me to lose my temper. I would later in life learn to try to forgive such deeds that happened long ago and even say that I have forgiven those people but deep inside I still feel the anger. I have done a better job of dealing with these issues over the last many years and know how to contain my anger inside me without it spilling over and becoming out of control. I have become a much more tolerant person than I was years before as well. I still have to deal with being overly sensitive in a few aspects but each of us has their own touchy points and hot buttons that can set them off. I also have the ability to recognize deep rage and anger in others and I can be very sympathetic with someone who suffers deep pain from their past. I try to remind myself that we as people sometimes bottle up and carry with us pain and rage that has boiled within us for years from poor treatment or trespasses in our younger years. Still though, I look forward to the day that the rage that lives deep inside will die and leave my body and mind. It really is amazing how a single word can cause someone to recall such unpleasant experiences from somewhere in our past.

The Fighting Spirit

Last night I went to Church only at a friend’s invitation but it ended up being a very interesting sermon on finishing well. They had a guest speaker from Kenya that spoke of spiritual warfare that is taking place in the continent of Africa and the world over. He spoke of how regardless of what the media reports and popular opinion, 80% of Africans practice Christianity and the religious battles there are between the Muslims which are 6% of the population against the Christians. I was very surprised by the statistics that this Missionary gave and the stories he related about his homeland. He wore a white button up dress shirt with his national flag embroidered on it in several places down one sleeve. But this man spoke powerfully about what he believed and about how we should be finishers of our faith, not quitters. He made a statement about how the 6% of Muslims in his Continent made a lot of noise because they were so few in numbers. He stated that we as Christians should be the ones who make a lot of noise and speak of our Christianity in the same manner. He also made a statement that in Africa the Christians had pledged to the Muslims that if they burned down one of their churches they would burn down ten Muslim Mosques. He also stated that if they killed One Christian they in turn would kill 100 Muslims. The Missionary stated clearly that he didn’t say what they were doing was right. But clearly he did not condemn it either. He continued on with his sermon with one of the points being that we as Christians, in order to finish in our faith well must have a fighting spirit. They we should be willing to fight for what is ours and to not surrender it. It brings to mind a part in me that wonders why world wide we allow these radical Muslims to rejoice in their supposed victories of cowardly murder against defenseless and innocent people instead of fighting back in the same rational of the Africans. I like their concept. You not only pay an eye for an eye, you pay much more for your cowardly acts of terrorism. That is a fighting spirit indeed. But instead, in particularly in the United States we have been so conditioned by our mealy mouthed weak spine politicians who can stray no further with their words, much less actions than the boundaries of political correctness to even suggest having a fighting spirit. It disgusts me how their only answer to Muslim extremism and their murderous acts is that this religion is a peaceful religion. Well tell that to all the victims who has lost a family member or friend to this peaceful religion. It boggles the mind that they do not understand that these people will never stop their acts of atrocity world wide because they do have a fighting spirit along with the belief that all non believing people should perish. It would do us good to have the same fighting spirit with the only difference being common sense. Common sense would tell you that if your family is under attack the family should unite to defend the family at all cost. Our country and those of us as Christians should do they same. Unite and fight back against those who wish to destroy us. What good is your citizenship or faith if you are not willing to fight and defend it at the cost of your life?

Liberal Do Gooder’s Create Far More Hate than They Do Tolerance

Liberal do Gooder’s create far more hate than they do tolerance. Every liberal group in the United States pushes an issue onto Americans to the point that the average Joe feels the need to vomit. Take for instance the Muslim religion. Liberals are highly offended by the fact that most non-Muslims do not care for the Muslim faith due to the atrocities committed against innocent people world wide and especially here in our own country. What made the matter worse and has turned a strong opinion against the religion is the continuous brow beating from the main stream media and accusations of intolerance and racism hurled their way. When enough is enough, by God it is enough! Regardless of the Elitist opinions, the average American is intelligent and able to arrive at conclusions on their own accord. There is still free speech in this country even after so many assaults on it as well as the freedom of thought. If I do not like you, I have that right. The Liberal left and its own personal national media condemns the practice of freedom of thought and freedom of speech. The Democratic Party has embraced this concept as another tool in their political correctness playbook. They are trying to limit the American people not only by their liberties of free speech, but of thought and conscience. They have legislated “Hate Crimes” punishment, which is of course only a bonus punishment for those convicted of crimes already on the books. I have news for you. All crime is hate crime. If you commit a crime against someone you surely don’t love them do you? So in essence if a crime is deemed a hate crime and you are convicted of it you pay a higher penalty for the crime than anyone else does. Is that justice? No! It only lowers the value of every other victim of that crime. Back on the subject, The Gay community advertised by our far left liberal media has turned more people against the gay community than ever before. Most people could not care less what goes on behind an adults bedroom doors but the issue being constantly drummed in the ears of Americans that they no longer even want to hear from the gay community about their issues. Even California of all states voted against gay marriage in their state although one of their judges ruled against the will of the people. I tell you they are sick of hearing about it. The issue of Racism has increased since the election of Barrack Obama racial tension has been higher than in recent years. The Democrats with the voice of the radical left media has targeted and practiced character assassination against any one individual or group, say for instance, the Tea Party by slamming down the race card and accusing them of racism just because they don’t like Barrack Obama and they say it is because he is the first African-American President. Again, the American people are far more intelligent than the ruling class elite and know better. President Barrack Obama is half white and half black. He is just as much as white as he is black. Further more, it isn’t about skin color or race. Americans believe he and the Liberal Democrats are taking this country down the wrong path and ruining our economy instead of improving upon it. But the accusations do not stop and this racial tension is creating more hatred from both sides instead of creating unity between blacks and whites. Illegal Aliens has been a hot button issue since the health care debate began. The American people are jumping mad about the policies which they believe will increase both the number of Illegal Aliens entering our country and the cost to support them with health care and education among other concerns. What does the radical left media do? They hammer down on more accusations of racism to the point most all Americans no longer tolerate the Illegal Aliens in this country. They are creating hatred between both the Americans and the Illegal Aliens. Our President goes against the will of the people again and sues the state of Arizona to prevent them from protecting their state from the out of control porous border and influx of millions of Illegal Aliens through their state. Is hate the game plan that the Democrats and national media are playing? If it is they are doing a fine job of creating more hate than they are of spreading tolerance. 

The Media Force Feeding The Muslim Faith

I am so sick of our government and the media trying to shove this Muslim religion down my throat telling me it is a good and peaceful religion. There is nothing they won’t say to try to convince everyone that those who believe in the Muslim faith are good everyday people who are just misunderstood by the American people and that only a small fraction of their religion are fanatical extremist who perpetrate terror around the world. Every time you turn on the television you see these talking heads explaining away terrorist acts and vicious cold blooded murder in the most cowardly ways by first suggesting that we Americans are intolerant and fear mongers who have overlooked the good of this religion. These same people jump at every opportunity to pin any criminal act upon Christianity and far right extremist groups with the barest of details and unfounded rumors. Why will the media and government not defend Christianity but give every pass possible to those who murder innocent people all over God’s green earth in the name of their religion? Why is it that every time one of these acts of terror occurs the media parades countless Imam’s and Islamic commentators who are ready to proclaim the innocence of the Muslim faith and their followers at the same time that a Muslim hate group is taking responsibility for the atrocious act of murder and they all pretend Americans are ignorant bigots? Do we ever see any representative of Islam condemn these acts of violence and mayhem? No, never! If this is a peaceful religion why are they not using all this free airtime condemning the cowardly murder instead of blaming America or her policies for the fault? Our own government officials including our President explain such horrible mass murder away as manmade disasters instead of coming out and pointing a steady finger at these religious fanatics and calling them what they are. Murderers! No, they won’t do it because they have painted themselves in a corner with their own practice of political correctness that does not allow them to call a duck, a duck. It is insanity at its worst form. Why is it that this country cannot, or should I say will not defend herself and make our borders safe? Why is it that we are still having terrorist enter our country and making attempts of terrorist acts on our airplanes and airports and our level of security is still atrocious? Why in the name of God are we still practicing the most deadly form of security by not profiling those whom are most likely to be a terrorist and instead our airport security is busy shaking down the elderly? It’s lunacy! How many people have to die before we start hurting some feelings in the effort to prevent more innocent deaths?

Sometimes Things Just Don't Go Our Way

 Sometimes things just don't go our way and we are tempted to give up hope. Life can really seem difficult at these times and during them all we seem to be able to recall is our own misfortunes, failures or simply bad luck. It's at these times when we fail to see the good all around us and fail to be grateful for all the things that are going right. At these times of despair we fail to be thankful for all the blessings we have. I think I am the worst at this. When things don't go my way or changes that come along that seem to put a kink in things I instantly forget all that is good and dwell on what I see as my bad fortune. It takes me a while to let go of anger long enough to realize I am still alive and okay. I may not like the new situation but I am able to deal with it when I get my attitude on track. I always take things personal and look for the insult or betrayal when others do things I do not like. It seems that at these times, deep inside me I know things will get better or that some things are just not meant to be. Maybe at that unexpected or undesired fork in the road I will choose the right path after I sit down and have my own pity party fit. I like to know what is going on. I like to know what is going to happen even if there is no one to tell me or no way to know. I still want to know. I can easily become frustrated at times such as these instead of showing a little patience and realizing I have been in tougher situations and lived through them and can handle what is before me now. I try to have faith but sometimes I get so frustrated that I don't even believe in faith. I struggle to move on until my attitude is cleared away and I am able to think more clear and positive. What is to come? I don't know, but what I do know is that I can face what happens. Are there better days to come? I can only say yes if I examine where I have been and where I am now. Things do get better if I will only allow them to.

Domestic Violence; Sharia Law in the United States

Domestic violence is a serious crime that affects so many families in today’s society. It affects an estimated 32 Million Americans or 10% of the countries population. Some of the characteristics of Domestic Abuse consist of physical, verbal, emotional, sexual, and even economic abuse. This abuse not only affects the spouse but also the children of such effected families. It is estimated that only a third of such violence is even reported to authorities in the United States and United Kingdom. The true number of families affected is not known and it should be noted that this also occurs in dating relationships as well as co-habitation and friendships. The violence ranges from verbal abuse to pushing and shoving, beatings, rape and even to the ultimate end of murder. Over my career as a police officer I have been exposed to the pain and suffering that many people endure with a sense that there is no one that the victims can turn to with help without further violence being heaped upon them. I have seen women beaten to a bloody pulp who will deny that their significant other has attacked them and inflicted injuries upon them. I remember one time I was on patrol riding through a residential neighborhood late at night when I happened upon a woman walking down a sidewalk. I could see from the beam of my headlights that she was covered in blood. Her hair was matted in dripping blood as well as her face and clothing. Anyone would be shocked to see such a sight as this woman and I pulled my car up next to her and got out asking her “Where is he?” She shook her head as if she had no injuries or problems and next I shouted at her forcefully again “Where is he?” She told me the address which was about a block away and I called for paramedics to come to the scene and another police unit to go with me to the home to arrest the perpetrator. Once the medics and ambulance arrived, I and several officers went to the home. The door was open and I yelled inside the home for the man to come out but we were met with silence. We entered the home and in the kitchen I found a large man with a barrel shaped chest standing over the kitchen sink. He stated to me “I’m not going to jail!” I noticed he had blood on his clothing and hands. I told him “Oh yes you are!” With me was a new Rookie and I turned to him and stated “Get ready” and motioned with my fist hitting the palm of my hand letting him know it was about to be on. It took a good 5 to 10 minutes to get that big man in hand cuffs. He put up a heck of a fight. I can only imagine the fear of that little woman when this man began to beat on her. Over the last 30 years or so domestic abuse has become a topic of discussion which had been kept a dark secret for many years before. It was just something people hid and did not talk about and others kept the opinion that it was just none of their business when families had problems of physical abuse. I remember my elderly Aunt had once told me that when she was a young girl they did not have a police officer in their community and she told me a story of how a man had beaten his wife very badly. I had asked her what was done about such things then and she told me that she was walking down the road toward her house when she saw several pick up trucks with men sitting in the back with hoods over their heads and sticks and bats in their hands. She said she jumped into a ditch and waited as they passed by. She told me that they were members of the Ku Klux Klan that had gathered to visit the man who had beaten his wife so badly. They were going to beat the man for going too far while punishing his wife. She stated that in those days the community took care of their own problems in such ways. In this day and time the courts have done much better to punish those found guilty of domestic violence by degrees of punishment based on repeat occurrences of violence. But there is still a long way to go before this problem is dealt with effectively. In the United States, with the influx of immigration of those who believe in the religion of Islam, a new frightening problem of violence against the family has been introduced. Those who practice the faith of Islam believe that they should be governed by Sharia Law, which is their “Sacred Law of God” Sharia meaning “Way or Path”. Different Muslim Countries and Cultures have a variety of interpretations of Sharia law, but most insist that it should be applied here in the United States as well as in their home country. They feel it is their right to practice their religion freely which they feel should include Sharia law and it’s punishments for breaking the law. Some of these punishments, beatings being the least of these include torture and even the stoning to death of a woman for the crime of Adultery. There are numerous transgressions which call for physical violence against family members who simply break moral laws of religion. The death sentence could be given simply from a parent’s belief that their daughter has strayed from the faith or dated someone of a religion outside of their Islamic faith. Incredibly, the liberal groups and politicians of this country have been so cornered by their own demands for the practice of political correctness and sensitivities of minority groups that they have actually found themselves backed into a corner and willing to lend an ear to such barbaric ideas of allowing such practice of Neanderthal religion. This insanity must be driven back to where it belongs. Americans need not even pretend to be inclined to accept such ridiculous foolishness. America has drifted so far from our own principles by the far left and their radical and untraditional thinking. It is far past time that they here ordinary God fearing Americans that we will not bend in our traditional beliefs in common sense and that we will carry our common sense with us into the voters booth! 

Why Do I Expect The Worst In People.?

I wonder sometimes why I react to things that occur in the way I do. Sometimes I may be slow to anger and at other times have a hair trigger temper that ignites anger from deep within me. In my profession I have been trained extensively to deal with people who would get in my face and call me every name and curse word in the book while being a possible physical threat to myself or others and for the most part I have always dealt with these people and situations quite well under the stress of such altercations. In my personal life I have not been quite as successful. Sometimes I have a very short fuse when dealing with people in my personal life when they do or say things I do not like. I have discovered that it is usually those who are closest to me that will see the side of me that can be very mean and hurtful. I think most of all it is the sense of betrayal that triggers instant rage inside me. I hate rejection and the betrayal of trust most of all. Sometimes to the point where I have cut many friendships and even family relationships off with silence for years if I feel betrayed. I will also act out in retaliation in many different forms for my revenge if I feel deeply wounded by it. In my personal life I sometimes come to expect the worst in everybody and wait for the day that my expectation of them is fulfilled as predicted. I do not trust people and it effects how close I allow people to get to me. I know all this sounds anti-social but those who know me know that I am very outgoing and enjoy people's company. I just draw the line and keep people at bay if they start becoming a close friend. Is it fear of betrayal or just the avoidance of disappointment in the end that causes me to be that way? I feel like I have been building walls around me for years and only allow a very select few enter inside. And those few are the ones who seem to cause me to lash out when I feel rejected or betrayed. Lately I have wondered why I do not allow those few any mercy or forgiveness when they do not live up to my expectations. Do I make it so difficult that I don't allow room for error and mistakes? I often wonder what right I have to feel this way when I myself would want instant forgiveness for my own mistakes and lapses of trust. I need to be slow to anger with those I love the most instead of waiting for disappointment from them.

Where Does The Empty Feeling Come From?

I go through a lot of hard times. I can say that knowing that I have also been very blessed. I have three beautiful and healthy children and a good wife, a job and a purpose. Sometimes I never seem to be satisfied with what i have. I sometimes feel I have a large hole inside me that needs filling and I search for whatever it is I think may fill that hole. Sometimes this can get me into a ton of trouble and has. Why are we always looking for something else new to replace what we have? I have been doing a bit of research on this subject and have found books that suggest as always that your early childhood development or lack thereof may play a larger role in the needs your personality as an adult desires. Ive even read that this can begin as early as being an infant and not getting the attention an infant requires. I'm not sold out on that idea although it makes some good points. But are not all infants completely base and in need of constant care of their needs? Do infants not scream and cry for every basic need the instant a hunger pang begins or the wetness of a wet diaper causing discomfort? I look back on my own childhood and can only recall fragments of memories of when I was a toddler living in California, but that was when I was older than a baby. I cannot remember if my basic needs were met immediately or not as a baby but I am sure they were. later in my childhood I had events which took place which I am sure impacted and developed me into the person I am now. I remember the fear I felt when my dad was away at war. I remember the hell and agony of my father's death. I remember the stress I felt of not being a good student and the torment and ridicule I received from my mother over it. I know that effected my self esteem to some level both in good ways and in bad. I remember the anger and embarrassment of having to walk everywhere we went because my mother did not drive and therefore did not own a car until I was about 10 or 12. I also remember the unsatisfactory days of high school and the total disregard I had for my own education then. But as bad as I think my childhood was, it wasn't that bad. I still had fun and had my needs met although I know we lived at a much more humble status than maybe my friends or classmates did. But again, this could have and did impact me in both good ways and bad. But what about the empty hole inside? What is it that I look for and try to fill it with? Ive heard the religious people talk about the emptiness of not having Christ in a person's life, but i believe in Christ so I do not accept that as a fact although I know I don't live to the letter of the law along the lines of Christianity. Who does? Maybe it could be that I am simply a selfish person and want things that either I can't or am not allowed to have? Maybe I am  just overly ambitious while at the same time overly impatient? Maybe the hole is fear that I will not obtain the desires I have whether they be selfish or appropriate. Maybe the hole or empty feeling is that i am not at the point in life i wished to be by now. Maybe the hole is simply wishful thinking for something I don't need at all and is not a reflection on my early development but simply my very own selfishness.

Life As It Seems

Life can be good and filled with moments of happiness even when the common denominator seems to be a constant struggle. I learned at a young age to follow the Golden Rule, treating others as you would have them to treat you. I have not always been perfect following this rule. I have let my own selfishness get in the way plenty of times, but over all have tried to exercise this rule with those in my life as well as with total strangers. I would even honestly say that on the balance I have applied it to others far more than I have received the same treatment. I have also learned that you reap what you sow, I have paid the price for the seeds of wrong I have planted in more ways than I can count and fill sure that I have yet paid off the debt. I was also taught to run the good race and not despair. This I think I have had more trouble with than any. I never quite felt the stability of trust. It seems everything is not as it appears. People befriend you only to create chaos in your life and disappear from you when things between you are no longer beneficial. Family will do the same to you but only slightly different. They are the ones who keep the ledger handy to record your every debt to them for every accounting of help they have offered you when you needed it the most or even worse they also measure your  worth to them by their perspective of how much you have lived up to their own high standards. The older I get I seem to be able to count true friendships and relationships that were not built upon lies and false fronts for whatever temporary benefit they can receive from you. I am truly amazed how someone can use you up when you have nothing to give yet they stand in line to take their turn with you. How much longer to endure such people in my life? Are they even worth the energy? I also wonder how long I will keep the hope that has kept me drudging along all this time.

I wonder about the past and the Future.

I wonder about the past, all the broken roads Ive followed. I know they brought me here where I am. But sometimes I wonder where I would be if I turned the other way. Is our past part of our present or is it the road map guiding us to the future. I think of hard times and broken hearts. Those who helped along the way but silently slipped out as if they were never here. Is life a journey to a destination predetermined or is it only a pass or fail test based on our decisions. Am i a test for another? Is there a reaction to me in others test or simply a stopping point or bump in the road of their journey. Who will be on the road ahead? Will they be the ones I want to see or help me along my travels, or will they be opportunities for failure or advancement? How much longer is this road I travel? Will the ones I love be with me at it's end or will I pass or fail alone?