Football and Faith

Sometimes I can be in an unusually great mood and all is good in the world and then do something without much thought that maybe I shouldn’t have done in retrospect. Something that I assumed would be good with the best intentions but ends up making me look foolish or becomes embarrassing unexpectedly. I seem to be overly gifted with this ability to go off half cocked sometimes and it frustrates me to no end. I did this again today. What I did was unimportant but only to myself. I doubt it hurt anyone but maybe my own pride. The rest of the day went on smoothly enough and happy enough but still inside I felt like what I had done was a mistake and just simply an embarrassment. I kept this on my mind throughout the rest of the afternoon and it began to grow inside me to the point that I was not embarrassed anymore but angry with myself and causing me to question myself about why I do the things I do. I wonder why I place myself into situations like that. I wonder if it is a weakness or just spontaneous decisions that are not thought over properly. It makes me question how bright I am sometimes. Anyway, later in the evening I started feeling down about it. Really, it was nothing to even worry over other than self pride. I still allowed it to flow through my mind as I finally begun to wind down and let the excitement of watching my favorite college football team which was about to start. The Auburn Tigers were going to play the Clemson Tigers which for whatever reason I have always liked since I was a child. It was a big game in which I had been concerned about since the start of the season. Auburn was favored by 7.5 points. That bothered me also because I felt it was a sucker bet by Las Vegas to make some cash off of the Auburn Tiger’s loss to Clemson. Last week I had told a friend we would lose to Clemson by a touchdown and I believed I picked the score to be 28 to 21. I just didn’t think Auburn could handle their passing game. Immediately as the game started I continued to feel down and my team just looked horrible. Clemson smashed through Auburn’s defense like a pro football club would against an average high school team. My mood did not improve. It is a fact that the state where I reside college football is more passionate and some say more important than religion. Don’t believe it? Take a trip down south and see for yourself. Alabama Crimson Tide had already destroyed the Duke Blue Devil’s a few hours earlier by the score of 62 to 13 so the whole state gathered to watch the Auburn game on ESPN to either pull for Auburn or pull against them by proxy of Clemson. I said all that to illustrate how a football game can either improve your mood or cause you to become very angry. It is sort of like drinking whiskey, it is either good whiskey or bad and you will either be a happy drunk or a fighting drunk after drinking it. Well I felt down already and I became angry with the pathetic showing of my Auburn Tigers who in all actuality, in terms of playing football did not show up. I continued thinking of what was on my mind that day and Auburn was laying down like an old whore to Clemson. Before I realized it Clemson scored yet another touchdown making it a 17 to 0 deficit just before the half. This was going to be a blow out. At right about that time I began to question myself about what in the world I was getting so upset over. Why am I always beating myself up over such inconsequential things which occur in my life whether they are my own fault or not? My attitude began to change. I was feeling sick at myself for allowing myself to feel so angry about circumstances. I assured myself no one else had me in mind so deeply. Nobody else seemed to notice my self embarrassing moments in life at the level of interest and condemnation as I did. I started feeling better immediately. I started feeling my mood change. My son was laying on the couch playing with our cat and I decided to engage in some conversation with him as Auburn began driving down the field. I said to him “Auburn is going to get their butts kicked aren’t they?” Now granted that kids possess a whole lot more faith than life weary adults do but I was still surprised when my son answered “No Dad, Auburn is going to win!” as he turned to look me in the face. I know I had an incredulous look on my own face and he just looked away and mumbled something about having a little faith in Auburn, or maybe he mumbled something about his dad acting like he looked on edge to the point of throwing the television through the living room window, but I’m sure he said something positive. Well it wasn’t long after that and Auburn, unable to continue their final drive of the half lined up to kick a field goal. The score was now Clemson 17 and finally, Auburn 3. I sent my daughter who lives on the East Coast a text to inform her of Auburn’s brush with good luck fortunate enough to get on the score board. I also checked face book to read the constant chatter there of Auburn’s demise by the Tide fans. It sure didn’t look good. I looked at the score on the screen and started thinking absurd thoughts that Auburn was only down by 14 points as they interviewed the coaches, and that it could be possible for Auburn to get back into this game. Well the chatter on face book was not agreeable but the hope began to build inside me for my team to end the embarrassment. I started thinking about some of the great comebacks the Auburn Tiger’s had achieved in all the years I’ve followed them. I also started thinking that it might not be such a bad idea to work towards a comeback from an otherwise not so great day. Why not? Everyone is healthy as they should be and things really aren’t going so bad in my life. I wondered again why I allow myself to get so down over minor and unpleasant things. I am really getting tired of it and want to beat these feelings inside me that make me look forward to disappointments when I should be looking forward to a great life full of life itself. I began to feel ashamed of myself for feeling so weak and ungrateful. After an unexpected visit from some neighbor’s down the street that are very nice, the halftime break was coming to an end and the game resumed. I read a message on face book from a former teacher of my youngest daughter who was quite displeased with the performance of Auburn and I typed a response to her reminding her that this wasn’t Auburn’s first rodeo and how Auburn had come back from 4 touchdowns down against LSU once to win the game. It was a short message of hope and I was risking ridicule from the Bamer’s on face book at the time enjoying Clemson’s dismantling of Auburn, but it also felt good to put a little hope and confidence out there. I thought of how the young Auburn kid’s must be feeling at the moment, how whipped and embarrassed they felt as this underdog team from South Carolina came into their own house and pushed them around. It is real easy when your feeling low from stumbling and throwing interceptions and collecting penalties from mistakes and nothing seems to work or go right, real easy indeed to just give up. The Auburn kid’s chose the opposite despite taken some of the hardest hits in college football and having so many points to catch up just to get back in the game. These young men looked inside themselves and asked themselves if this was the best that they could do. They answered no to that question and dug deep inside themselves just to see how much metal they had in them as sportsmen and later it became obvious to them that they had plenty. Auburn stormed back onto the field and continued to have a few set backs but charged back to score 24 unanswered points against these Tigers from Clemson. The game became even more physical with numerous injuries to players on each team from brutal hard hitting play. The camera zoomed in once to the Clemson Quarterback who was injured earlier and was literally holding on to another fellow player to continue standing on his own feet. The game ended regulation play tied at the score of 24 to 24. Sudden Death overtime rules were in effect and Clemson won the toss to choose offense or defense and field position. Clemson chose to defend. Auburn sputtered once again unable to penetrate the Clemson defense but kicked a field goal to take the lead at 27 to 24. Clemson drove the ball within striking distance of scoring a touchdown when the Quarterback threw to the end zone and the ball struck the receiver in the hands and the ball fell to the turf inches within being a perfect catch. Clemson lined up and kicked a perfect field goal to tie the game in overtime but flags were thrown on the field of play. A penalty against Auburn would almost surely guarantee a Clemson win but Clemson’s center had lifted the ball and placed it back to the ground drawing a penalty that required them to back up and kick again. When the ball was kicked it faded away just left of the goal post clinching a win for Auburn when all looked bleak and un-winnable just moments before. Auburn ended the game in victory when all hope seemed impossible. The Auburn Tigers were favored to win this game but Clemson had other plans and played their hearts out for a big upset to end a thirteen game losing streak against Auburn and they played in outstanding fashion. The Auburn Tigers had to look deep inside their hearts while they were down by 17 points embarrassed in their own stadium and choose to change their attitudes and instead of allowing defeat to swallow them they chose to be victors. During this game I also looked inside myself and saw something I did not like and chose to change it because I was capable of choosing how I felt. I have the choice to allow other people or circumstances to bring me down or to overlook other’s actions and my own self ridicule and move on to be the best I can be myself and allow for mistakes and foul ups without losing hope in myself. I may also be victorious if I choose faith. 

Where Does The Empty Feeling Come From?

I go through a lot of hard times. I can say that knowing that I have also been very blessed. I have three beautiful and healthy children and a good wife, a job and a purpose. Sometimes I never seem to be satisfied with what i have. I sometimes feel I have a large hole inside me that needs filling and I search for whatever it is I think may fill that hole. Sometimes this can get me into a ton of trouble and has. Why are we always looking for something else new to replace what we have? I have been doing a bit of research on this subject and have found books that suggest as always that your early childhood development or lack thereof may play a larger role in the needs your personality as an adult desires. Ive even read that this can begin as early as being an infant and not getting the attention an infant requires. I'm not sold out on that idea although it makes some good points. But are not all infants completely base and in need of constant care of their needs? Do infants not scream and cry for every basic need the instant a hunger pang begins or the wetness of a wet diaper causing discomfort? I look back on my own childhood and can only recall fragments of memories of when I was a toddler living in California, but that was when I was older than a baby. I cannot remember if my basic needs were met immediately or not as a baby but I am sure they were. later in my childhood I had events which took place which I am sure impacted and developed me into the person I am now. I remember the fear I felt when my dad was away at war. I remember the hell and agony of my father's death. I remember the stress I felt of not being a good student and the torment and ridicule I received from my mother over it. I know that effected my self esteem to some level both in good ways and in bad. I remember the anger and embarrassment of having to walk everywhere we went because my mother did not drive and therefore did not own a car until I was about 10 or 12. I also remember the unsatisfactory days of high school and the total disregard I had for my own education then. But as bad as I think my childhood was, it wasn't that bad. I still had fun and had my needs met although I know we lived at a much more humble status than maybe my friends or classmates did. But again, this could have and did impact me in both good ways and bad. But what about the empty hole inside? What is it that I look for and try to fill it with? Ive heard the religious people talk about the emptiness of not having Christ in a person's life, but i believe in Christ so I do not accept that as a fact although I know I don't live to the letter of the law along the lines of Christianity. Who does? Maybe it could be that I am simply a selfish person and want things that either I can't or am not allowed to have? Maybe I am  just overly ambitious while at the same time overly impatient? Maybe the hole is fear that I will not obtain the desires I have whether they be selfish or appropriate. Maybe the hole or empty feeling is that i am not at the point in life i wished to be by now. Maybe the hole is simply wishful thinking for something I don't need at all and is not a reflection on my early development but simply my very own selfishness.

I Just Can't Shake The Depression

I just can’t shake the depression.

I woke up Sunday evening to ready myself for work and passed a few minutes on the internet to catch up on the news when I was shocked (Why, I don’t know?) to read about the Lakewood Police Officer’s Massacre. Details were brief and sketchy but enough to be crystal clear on what happened, and future events would prove my suspicions were true.

These four police officers were assassinated in the most cowardly way for one reason and one reason only. Because they were all wearing the most recognized uniform of all, the blue uniform of an American police officer.

 You see, this uniform represents the symbol of safety, courage, and trust. The man or woman who dons this uniform is simply the physical embodiment of the will of the people in flesh and blood standing on the thin blue line that protects the civil law abiding citizen’s from the chaos and carnage of the dangerous and lawless.

This horrendous criminal thug formulated a plan in his mind to murder as many police officers as possible in the most yellow bellied and cowardly way by sneaking into a coffee shop pretending to be a customer and systematically shooting to death those officers as they quietly worked unaware of his murderous intentions. He found the opportunity he was looking for that offered him the least chance of being injured himself and he carried out his plan.

This thug creature did not see individual human beings. All he saw was the uniform that represented the only people who ever dared to stand up to him and bring him to justice for the crimes he committed against the innocent and defenseless he chose to torment for his own greed and gratification. He wanted to make them pay for his incarceration and interference of his criminal deeds. What he felt was an injustice against him merely for being brought to justice time and again. And somebody had to pay!

I went on to roll call and read the Lakewood Massacre story to my men. We discussed many possibilities of what happened yet we all came to the same conclusion that it had to simply be an assassination of the officers in cold blood. Not because of whom they are or what they had done, but because of the uniform they wore and what it represented.

Since then my thoughts keep wandering back to them, their children, and their families at home and at work. The pictures of the officers are the hardest part to take because they look familiar. Each officer in their picture looks familiar to me. They all looked happy, brave, and proud in their photos and the reality finally dawned on me. They represent all police officers in their familiarity in a way only other police officers, their families and friends can see. They are just everyday people trying to make a living in the world. Trying to leave a mark on this earth of doing good for others while we are here. They were just being that man or woman willing to risk everything to stand between the innocent and the criminal to see to the safety and well being of that innocent stranger.

They were the Good Samaritan who did not turn their heads and avert their eyes to the act of crime against a stranger, but instead defended or helped him when others could not or would not help.

I do know these officer’s that died in the coffee shop Sunday. I work side by side with them in my town. Just real people that also feel pain and bleed when hurt. Real people that have goals and look forward to raising their children and dreaming of grandchildren like other people. They were real everyday people that wish for peace and a safe community in which to live.

Only they died at the hands of a merciless coward while trying to make it all possible.

I just can’t shake the depression.