About Me

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Birmingham, Alabama, United States
43 Years old Born in Wilson, North Carolina. Work in Law Enforcement / Patrol, married I am a Political Conservative without a party to represent my vote. I dislike liars, especially the type who are politicians and preachers. I oppose abortion of any type at any stage. The baby is innocent and deserves life regardless of the mothers circumstances. I also dislike racists. Especially the kind that always scream racism at others when life doesn't go there way! Get a life, it's only skin color and God made idiots in all colors. I also dislike Democrats, they wouldn't know the truth if it bit them on the ass. I dislike Republicans, they are truly the most spineless creatures on God's green earth. I dislike arrogant environmentalist who think we can destroy what God created. If your homosexual, I don't dislike you, but please keep it in your own bedroom behind closed doors for the sake of the untwisted.

Monday, August 23, 2010

Where Does The Empty Feeling Come From?

I go through a lot of hard times. I can say that knowing that I have also been very blessed. I have three beautiful and healthy children and a good wife, a job and a purpose. Sometimes I never seem to be satisfied with what i have. I sometimes feel I have a large hole inside me that needs filling and I search for whatever it is I think may fill that hole. Sometimes this can get me into a ton of trouble and has. Why are we always looking for something else new to replace what we have? I have been doing a bit of research on this subject and have found books that suggest as always that your early childhood development or lack thereof may play a larger role in the needs your personality as an adult desires. Ive even read that this can begin as early as being an infant and not getting the attention an infant requires. I'm not sold out on that idea although it makes some good points. But are not all infants completely base and in need of constant care of their needs? Do infants not scream and cry for every basic need the instant a hunger pang begins or the wetness of a wet diaper causing discomfort? I look back on my own childhood and can only recall fragments of memories of when I was a toddler living in California, but that was when I was older than a baby. I cannot remember if my basic needs were met immediately or not as a baby but I am sure they were. later in my childhood I had events which took place which I am sure impacted and developed me into the person I am now. I remember the fear I felt when my dad was away at war. I remember the hell and agony of my father's death. I remember the stress I felt of not being a good student and the torment and ridicule I received from my mother over it. I know that effected my self esteem to some level both in good ways and in bad. I remember the anger and embarrassment of having to walk everywhere we went because my mother did not drive and therefore did not own a car until I was about 10 or 12. I also remember the unsatisfactory days of high school and the total disregard I had for my own education then. But as bad as I think my childhood was, it wasn't that bad. I still had fun and had my needs met although I know we lived at a much more humble status than maybe my friends or classmates did. But again, this could have and did impact me in both good ways and bad. But what about the empty hole inside? What is it that I look for and try to fill it with? Ive heard the religious people talk about the emptiness of not having Christ in a person's life, but i believe in Christ so I do not accept that as a fact although I know I don't live to the letter of the law along the lines of Christianity. Who does? Maybe it could be that I am simply a selfish person and want things that either I can't or am not allowed to have? Maybe I am  just overly ambitious while at the same time overly impatient? Maybe the hole is fear that I will not obtain the desires I have whether they be selfish or appropriate. Maybe the hole or empty feeling is that i am not at the point in life i wished to be by now. Maybe the hole is simply wishful thinking for something I don't need at all and is not a reflection on my early development but simply my very own selfishness.

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