I Will Finish My Race

These last few months have been hard on me. I have been met with disappointments, shut out of relationships, and have struggled with growing dissatisfaction in my career. My health seems to have taken a remarkable or should I say noticeable decline. It seems at every corner I am faced with yet another dead end in this rat maze we call circumstances of life. I become outraged when I pay close attention to the direction my beloved country has taken and do not understand why so many people choose the leaders of such poor character that we have in the highest positions. I see people I care deeply about making terrible decisions in their lives that are bound to bring them misery yet I cannot do anything about it. I constantly worry over things that are out of my sphere of control yet I ponder on it as if by sheer will I can create the change I desire. I struggle with myself to improve in many areas of my own life but find myself deeper in self anger when I do not achieve my goals. Speaking of anger, I find that my level of tolerance in both large things and small have been lowered to a point that I show my anger that normally I would keep inside. I seem to have a short fuse that sometimes I even enjoy when it is lit and the anger is released. There are so many things left that I desire to do and have but cannot cross over the mountains in my way. When I feel I am making headway something always pops up unexpected to set me back a pace or two. But one thing I do have that burns deep inside of me like the white coals beneath a fire is a drive to push forward and meet these challenges head on. I sometimes have to dig deep into my soul to bring that part of me up to the surface but it is there ever present. I am unafraid but for one thing and that is to not succeed before the sands in the hour glass of my life has run out. I see myself in my minds eye as reaching my goals and grabbing on to the dreams of my heart. It is an inner struggle that battles within me between the desire in my heart and the troubles of circumstance that fall in my way. But I will hold on, push on until I find my way. I will not give up on my life and the purpose that I have been placed here to achieve. I will not let others hold me back because of what I am and who I am. I will not give up on my great country and allow it to slip from greatness nor will I allow myself to slip from the high marks I have set for myself. I will overcome and run my race to the end. I will finish my race.

Football and Faith

Sometimes I can be in an unusually great mood and all is good in the world and then do something without much thought that maybe I shouldn’t have done in retrospect. Something that I assumed would be good with the best intentions but ends up making me look foolish or becomes embarrassing unexpectedly. I seem to be overly gifted with this ability to go off half cocked sometimes and it frustrates me to no end. I did this again today. What I did was unimportant but only to myself. I doubt it hurt anyone but maybe my own pride. The rest of the day went on smoothly enough and happy enough but still inside I felt like what I had done was a mistake and just simply an embarrassment. I kept this on my mind throughout the rest of the afternoon and it began to grow inside me to the point that I was not embarrassed anymore but angry with myself and causing me to question myself about why I do the things I do. I wonder why I place myself into situations like that. I wonder if it is a weakness or just spontaneous decisions that are not thought over properly. It makes me question how bright I am sometimes. Anyway, later in the evening I started feeling down about it. Really, it was nothing to even worry over other than self pride. I still allowed it to flow through my mind as I finally begun to wind down and let the excitement of watching my favorite college football team which was about to start. The Auburn Tigers were going to play the Clemson Tigers which for whatever reason I have always liked since I was a child. It was a big game in which I had been concerned about since the start of the season. Auburn was favored by 7.5 points. That bothered me also because I felt it was a sucker bet by Las Vegas to make some cash off of the Auburn Tiger’s loss to Clemson. Last week I had told a friend we would lose to Clemson by a touchdown and I believed I picked the score to be 28 to 21. I just didn’t think Auburn could handle their passing game. Immediately as the game started I continued to feel down and my team just looked horrible. Clemson smashed through Auburn’s defense like a pro football club would against an average high school team. My mood did not improve. It is a fact that the state where I reside college football is more passionate and some say more important than religion. Don’t believe it? Take a trip down south and see for yourself. Alabama Crimson Tide had already destroyed the Duke Blue Devil’s a few hours earlier by the score of 62 to 13 so the whole state gathered to watch the Auburn game on ESPN to either pull for Auburn or pull against them by proxy of Clemson. I said all that to illustrate how a football game can either improve your mood or cause you to become very angry. It is sort of like drinking whiskey, it is either good whiskey or bad and you will either be a happy drunk or a fighting drunk after drinking it. Well I felt down already and I became angry with the pathetic showing of my Auburn Tigers who in all actuality, in terms of playing football did not show up. I continued thinking of what was on my mind that day and Auburn was laying down like an old whore to Clemson. Before I realized it Clemson scored yet another touchdown making it a 17 to 0 deficit just before the half. This was going to be a blow out. At right about that time I began to question myself about what in the world I was getting so upset over. Why am I always beating myself up over such inconsequential things which occur in my life whether they are my own fault or not? My attitude began to change. I was feeling sick at myself for allowing myself to feel so angry about circumstances. I assured myself no one else had me in mind so deeply. Nobody else seemed to notice my self embarrassing moments in life at the level of interest and condemnation as I did. I started feeling better immediately. I started feeling my mood change. My son was laying on the couch playing with our cat and I decided to engage in some conversation with him as Auburn began driving down the field. I said to him “Auburn is going to get their butts kicked aren’t they?” Now granted that kids possess a whole lot more faith than life weary adults do but I was still surprised when my son answered “No Dad, Auburn is going to win!” as he turned to look me in the face. I know I had an incredulous look on my own face and he just looked away and mumbled something about having a little faith in Auburn, or maybe he mumbled something about his dad acting like he looked on edge to the point of throwing the television through the living room window, but I’m sure he said something positive. Well it wasn’t long after that and Auburn, unable to continue their final drive of the half lined up to kick a field goal. The score was now Clemson 17 and finally, Auburn 3. I sent my daughter who lives on the East Coast a text to inform her of Auburn’s brush with good luck fortunate enough to get on the score board. I also checked face book to read the constant chatter there of Auburn’s demise by the Tide fans. It sure didn’t look good. I looked at the score on the screen and started thinking absurd thoughts that Auburn was only down by 14 points as they interviewed the coaches, and that it could be possible for Auburn to get back into this game. Well the chatter on face book was not agreeable but the hope began to build inside me for my team to end the embarrassment. I started thinking about some of the great comebacks the Auburn Tiger’s had achieved in all the years I’ve followed them. I also started thinking that it might not be such a bad idea to work towards a comeback from an otherwise not so great day. Why not? Everyone is healthy as they should be and things really aren’t going so bad in my life. I wondered again why I allow myself to get so down over minor and unpleasant things. I am really getting tired of it and want to beat these feelings inside me that make me look forward to disappointments when I should be looking forward to a great life full of life itself. I began to feel ashamed of myself for feeling so weak and ungrateful. After an unexpected visit from some neighbor’s down the street that are very nice, the halftime break was coming to an end and the game resumed. I read a message on face book from a former teacher of my youngest daughter who was quite displeased with the performance of Auburn and I typed a response to her reminding her that this wasn’t Auburn’s first rodeo and how Auburn had come back from 4 touchdowns down against LSU once to win the game. It was a short message of hope and I was risking ridicule from the Bamer’s on face book at the time enjoying Clemson’s dismantling of Auburn, but it also felt good to put a little hope and confidence out there. I thought of how the young Auburn kid’s must be feeling at the moment, how whipped and embarrassed they felt as this underdog team from South Carolina came into their own house and pushed them around. It is real easy when your feeling low from stumbling and throwing interceptions and collecting penalties from mistakes and nothing seems to work or go right, real easy indeed to just give up. The Auburn kid’s chose the opposite despite taken some of the hardest hits in college football and having so many points to catch up just to get back in the game. These young men looked inside themselves and asked themselves if this was the best that they could do. They answered no to that question and dug deep inside themselves just to see how much metal they had in them as sportsmen and later it became obvious to them that they had plenty. Auburn stormed back onto the field and continued to have a few set backs but charged back to score 24 unanswered points against these Tigers from Clemson. The game became even more physical with numerous injuries to players on each team from brutal hard hitting play. The camera zoomed in once to the Clemson Quarterback who was injured earlier and was literally holding on to another fellow player to continue standing on his own feet. The game ended regulation play tied at the score of 24 to 24. Sudden Death overtime rules were in effect and Clemson won the toss to choose offense or defense and field position. Clemson chose to defend. Auburn sputtered once again unable to penetrate the Clemson defense but kicked a field goal to take the lead at 27 to 24. Clemson drove the ball within striking distance of scoring a touchdown when the Quarterback threw to the end zone and the ball struck the receiver in the hands and the ball fell to the turf inches within being a perfect catch. Clemson lined up and kicked a perfect field goal to tie the game in overtime but flags were thrown on the field of play. A penalty against Auburn would almost surely guarantee a Clemson win but Clemson’s center had lifted the ball and placed it back to the ground drawing a penalty that required them to back up and kick again. When the ball was kicked it faded away just left of the goal post clinching a win for Auburn when all looked bleak and un-winnable just moments before. Auburn ended the game in victory when all hope seemed impossible. The Auburn Tigers were favored to win this game but Clemson had other plans and played their hearts out for a big upset to end a thirteen game losing streak against Auburn and they played in outstanding fashion. The Auburn Tigers had to look deep inside their hearts while they were down by 17 points embarrassed in their own stadium and choose to change their attitudes and instead of allowing defeat to swallow them they chose to be victors. During this game I also looked inside myself and saw something I did not like and chose to change it because I was capable of choosing how I felt. I have the choice to allow other people or circumstances to bring me down or to overlook other’s actions and my own self ridicule and move on to be the best I can be myself and allow for mistakes and foul ups without losing hope in myself. I may also be victorious if I choose faith. 

Finding the Source of Pain in Hurting People

Lately it seems I have met a lot of hurting people. People that carry with them pain as if it were an accessory like a wallet in their pocket or a keychain in their hand. I describe it in that manner because it is usually something not spoken about very often and hard to see unless you are aware of it or familiar with such pain. Hurting people become experts at hiding or camouflaging their pain. Sometimes it is obvious in those who exhibit serious withdrawal from others and other signs of depression. But in many the pain swims deep within the mind and soul unseen by others. Sometimes it can be exhibited in other forms of behavior such as humor. I had always heard that most of our funniest comics suffered serious manic depression. The comedy expressed by a comedian being an outlet for their pain or even a form of medication to ease the pain. I am sure that is not the case with all of them but it makes me wonder sometimes if our greatest comics suffered the deepest pain. Other forms of expressing pain are not so pleasing to others such as the bully or the person who cannot get along with other’s well who starts fights or keeps chaos running amuck with those in their lives. It would seem that these types of people prefer to release their pain by transferring pain to others. I have always taken to heart that old saying that misery loves company. Well in some cases this is very true. There are also ones that desire to translate their pain into being destructive whether by being physically abusive, sexually abusive, mentally abusive or even destructive with co-workers by creating sabotage within the workplace or at a specific employee for a perceived wrong whether it occurred in reality or not. Ever noticed the ones that seem to be mad at the whole world or feel the whole world is out to get them? It could be that these types of people had no anchor of trust in someone such as parents that were not there to support them as a child, or absent during their childhood development, leaving them to handle adversity on their own with no one to stand by them in times of trouble or disappointments. I have a unique career which has exposed me to many forms of personal pain in others. There are times I can see it and use it to my advantage quickly to ascertain the actual problem. But to really know the source of the pain only the one experiencing it can explain it. It can be multiple sources of pain and hurt that is deep inside their soul and psyche. The one suffering the pain from others or loss can be the only person that can tap into it and study the issues within to find an answer that will allow healing. That person can only do this when they are ready and able to face what they fear the most. That could possibly be the most frightening aspect of finding healing when you decide to challenge the demons within that torture. Finding healing will never be possible without that confrontation and then the real battle begins. 

Rage From the Past

I was talking with a friend today about words and they’re meanings. It reminded me of a time when I was a kid, a newly fatherless kid. I was outside of my home and one of the neighbor men called me a Bastard. I had never heard this word before. I was probably 7 or 8 years old at the time and I remember being intrigued by the word. It was unfamiliar and I couldn’t tell what it meant by the way the man had spoken it to me. I went inside the house and went to my mother’s room to ask her what the word Bastard meant. My mother asked me where I heard that word from and I told her about the neighbor calling me one. My mother started crying. It really upset her and she did not tell me what the word meant so I went to look it up in the dictionary and read the definition. I knew that my mom and dad had me while they were married so I knew that I was not a Bastard and really didn’t understand why that word had upset her so badly until later on in life. What I learned was that by calling me a Bastard was no big deal to me but that it was a very big deal to an honorable Widow with small children to raise on her own. As I told my friend today, it planted a seed of rage within me and I never forgot this occurrence. As I got older it became obvious to me how cruel some people are without cause or reason. Even later in life it dawned upon me how cowardly some people can be when there is no fear of the man of the house coming to look for them to punish their cheap and cowardly acts of dishonor. I had many such acts as these to take place in the church where I grew up in, schools and as mentioned before in the neighborhood. I wonder now how many times my brothers may have experienced being taken advantage of when there was no father to defend them. I often thought of this throughout my teen years and into my adult life and could always feel the burn of rage inside me, the desire to exact revenge against someone for their trespasses against me, the child of so many years before. As a kid I would fantasize about my father being alive and going to them and whipping their tails. As an adult sometimes I would fantasize about going back into time as the adult me and catching these persons tormenting me and beating them within an inch of their lives. Somehow these thoughts relieved a little tension but they never caused the rage inside to dissipate. I have always carried that rage with me and at times have allowed it to overreact to situations that caused me to lose my temper. I would later in life learn to try to forgive such deeds that happened long ago and even say that I have forgiven those people but deep inside I still feel the anger. I have done a better job of dealing with these issues over the last many years and know how to contain my anger inside me without it spilling over and becoming out of control. I have become a much more tolerant person than I was years before as well. I still have to deal with being overly sensitive in a few aspects but each of us has their own touchy points and hot buttons that can set them off. I also have the ability to recognize deep rage and anger in others and I can be very sympathetic with someone who suffers deep pain from their past. I try to remind myself that we as people sometimes bottle up and carry with us pain and rage that has boiled within us for years from poor treatment or trespasses in our younger years. Still though, I look forward to the day that the rage that lives deep inside will die and leave my body and mind. It really is amazing how a single word can cause someone to recall such unpleasant experiences from somewhere in our past.

Why Do I Expect The Worst In People.?

I wonder sometimes why I react to things that occur in the way I do. Sometimes I may be slow to anger and at other times have a hair trigger temper that ignites anger from deep within me. In my profession I have been trained extensively to deal with people who would get in my face and call me every name and curse word in the book while being a possible physical threat to myself or others and for the most part I have always dealt with these people and situations quite well under the stress of such altercations. In my personal life I have not been quite as successful. Sometimes I have a very short fuse when dealing with people in my personal life when they do or say things I do not like. I have discovered that it is usually those who are closest to me that will see the side of me that can be very mean and hurtful. I think most of all it is the sense of betrayal that triggers instant rage inside me. I hate rejection and the betrayal of trust most of all. Sometimes to the point where I have cut many friendships and even family relationships off with silence for years if I feel betrayed. I will also act out in retaliation in many different forms for my revenge if I feel deeply wounded by it. In my personal life I sometimes come to expect the worst in everybody and wait for the day that my expectation of them is fulfilled as predicted. I do not trust people and it effects how close I allow people to get to me. I know all this sounds anti-social but those who know me know that I am very outgoing and enjoy people's company. I just draw the line and keep people at bay if they start becoming a close friend. Is it fear of betrayal or just the avoidance of disappointment in the end that causes me to be that way? I feel like I have been building walls around me for years and only allow a very select few enter inside. And those few are the ones who seem to cause me to lash out when I feel rejected or betrayed. Lately I have wondered why I do not allow those few any mercy or forgiveness when they do not live up to my expectations. Do I make it so difficult that I don't allow room for error and mistakes? I often wonder what right I have to feel this way when I myself would want instant forgiveness for my own mistakes and lapses of trust. I need to be slow to anger with those I love the most instead of waiting for disappointment from them.