Sometimes Things Just Don't Go Our Way

 Sometimes things just don't go our way and we are tempted to give up hope. Life can really seem difficult at these times and during them all we seem to be able to recall is our own misfortunes, failures or simply bad luck. It's at these times when we fail to see the good all around us and fail to be grateful for all the things that are going right. At these times of despair we fail to be thankful for all the blessings we have. I think I am the worst at this. When things don't go my way or changes that come along that seem to put a kink in things I instantly forget all that is good and dwell on what I see as my bad fortune. It takes me a while to let go of anger long enough to realize I am still alive and okay. I may not like the new situation but I am able to deal with it when I get my attitude on track. I always take things personal and look for the insult or betrayal when others do things I do not like. It seems that at these times, deep inside me I know things will get better or that some things are just not meant to be. Maybe at that unexpected or undesired fork in the road I will choose the right path after I sit down and have my own pity party fit. I like to know what is going on. I like to know what is going to happen even if there is no one to tell me or no way to know. I still want to know. I can easily become frustrated at times such as these instead of showing a little patience and realizing I have been in tougher situations and lived through them and can handle what is before me now. I try to have faith but sometimes I get so frustrated that I don't even believe in faith. I struggle to move on until my attitude is cleared away and I am able to think more clear and positive. What is to come? I don't know, but what I do know is that I can face what happens. Are there better days to come? I can only say yes if I examine where I have been and where I am now. Things do get better if I will only allow them to.

Life As It Seems

Life can be good and filled with moments of happiness even when the common denominator seems to be a constant struggle. I learned at a young age to follow the Golden Rule, treating others as you would have them to treat you. I have not always been perfect following this rule. I have let my own selfishness get in the way plenty of times, but over all have tried to exercise this rule with those in my life as well as with total strangers. I would even honestly say that on the balance I have applied it to others far more than I have received the same treatment. I have also learned that you reap what you sow, I have paid the price for the seeds of wrong I have planted in more ways than I can count and fill sure that I have yet paid off the debt. I was also taught to run the good race and not despair. This I think I have had more trouble with than any. I never quite felt the stability of trust. It seems everything is not as it appears. People befriend you only to create chaos in your life and disappear from you when things between you are no longer beneficial. Family will do the same to you but only slightly different. They are the ones who keep the ledger handy to record your every debt to them for every accounting of help they have offered you when you needed it the most or even worse they also measure your  worth to them by their perspective of how much you have lived up to their own high standards. The older I get I seem to be able to count true friendships and relationships that were not built upon lies and false fronts for whatever temporary benefit they can receive from you. I am truly amazed how someone can use you up when you have nothing to give yet they stand in line to take their turn with you. How much longer to endure such people in my life? Are they even worth the energy? I also wonder how long I will keep the hope that has kept me drudging along all this time.

I wonder about the past and the Future.

I wonder about the past, all the broken roads Ive followed. I know they brought me here where I am. But sometimes I wonder where I would be if I turned the other way. Is our past part of our present or is it the road map guiding us to the future. I think of hard times and broken hearts. Those who helped along the way but silently slipped out as if they were never here. Is life a journey to a destination predetermined or is it only a pass or fail test based on our decisions. Am i a test for another? Is there a reaction to me in others test or simply a stopping point or bump in the road of their journey. Who will be on the road ahead? Will they be the ones I want to see or help me along my travels, or will they be opportunities for failure or advancement? How much longer is this road I travel? Will the ones I love be with me at it's end or will I pass or fail alone?

Is Life a Test and What is My Score?

Sometimes I wonder about the people that cross our paths in life. There are so many that come and go and some that return years later even closer than the first go around. I also have experienced many people, even relatives who were very close and even inseparable from me who flittered away to the point that an occasional conversation becomes difficult or uncomfortable. It seems that walls of protection or defense are constructed within my heart or mind that eventually grow to the point that those once close are now on the outside of my life orbiting my sphere as the planets, moons and stars orbit the sun. They are there and I can see them but they are too far out of reach to relate too. I have even had a few close friends that drifted out of touch when at one time the thought would be unthinkable. I have a younger brother named Terry. I love him and I am sure he loves me because growing up we were each others shadows and could even read each others facial expressions and know exactly what the other was thinking. The closeness was more than mere brothers; it was also a close friendship. Upon our teenage years we developed from a personality we both shared into separate personalities and interests that drove a wedge between us and we too drifted apart. My mother lives with Terry and I visit her there when I can. Even in my own brother’s house I feel out of place and slightly uncomfortable in the same way I would feel at a mere acquaintances home. We sometimes text each other and trade updates on our home life or work but that is pretty much the extent of any contact. Occasionally, I will happen upon an old photograph of Terry and I and it seems ancient. It seems like another lifetime ago. We I see his picture I remember the Terry of 5, 10 or 12 years old. Not the Terry of today. I remember the thousands of baseball games we played together, just me and him. We never had the opportunity to play sports like our own kids do at the park. That didn’t stop us from learning to hit a ball or catch a pop fly. I also remember the hundreds of times we laid on one of the many Eastlake concrete bridges and fished for Brim with only fishing line, hook and bread crumbs. I remember the expeditions of climbing onto the roof tops of businesses on 1^st Avenue North until we were chased off or we saw a patrol car coming before we made our escape. I remember the times we hiked Ruffner Mountain by ourselves while our mother thought we were out in the neighborhood playing or the rock fights we kids who lived on the Alley’s would have with those who lived on 6^th Avenue, but I couldn’t tell you two things about him now other than the basics. I know more about those I work with than him. How did we grow so far apart? I also think of the people who cross my path for a short time who really had an impact on me. The ones I really loved knowing and the situations of life remove them from me. I miss them. I also think about the ones who came as a wolf in sheep’s clothing to befriend me and later cause me great trouble or pain. I wonder at times how many people’s path I have crossed and have left them feeling regret to have met me. I often feel life is a test of triumph and trials and often try to calculate my own score. Do I pass this test of life? Do I have more people who dislike me than I do who I have enriched in one way or the other? Or, is it possible that I choose to continue to build walls that have prevented a better outcome in relationships with others? Sometimes I just wonder how long the test will last and if I have enough time to improve the score.

Cat's in the Cradle?

My first born daughter Amber who serves us all in the United States Navy has blessed our New Year with a visit. She is still here visiting with us and will be for a few more days. I have to keep reminding myself that once your child flies the coup they never fully return. They only visit leaving the at home family a little smaller and a little sad. I learned this early as a child with the death of my father. A family is a precious thing that is temporary yet we never keep that in mind during our daily routines. Then one day the family is smaller and we realize it only to fall back into the dreary everyday routine until it is time for the next family resizing. I remember when my older brother married Coni, my sister. Yes I said sister, so don’t rush to stereotype me because I live in Alabama. I say sister because heck it is hard to remember times without her around. I think I was 15 when this beautiful Italian girl became an Edwards and joined right into the family fights like she had always belonged. Well she did always belong and we just didn’t realize it then. So the family was resized. We had to adjust how we normally acted while she was in the house. (Yes Coni, we actually acted even less civilized when you weren’t around) This time frame was also another learning curve for me. I learned real quickly not to use Italian jokes around Coni. Wow! They actually did get offended by them and Italian women are a force to be reckoned with when you piss them off! But anyway, Coni is my sister and I know her by no other way. She is strong and very level headed and ready to listen if you need her to and I love her very much. I don’t think I ever really told her I felt this way about her. Maybe she will read this blog? So my brother John joined the Marine Corps when he was but a young married pup and off he went never to return to the Edwards fold as an in house family member. But again, the family was soon resized with the exciting addition of the Edwards family coming by way of my first Nephew Lee Michael. This brings up another blog topic of whether it is wrong to have family favorites. But not now, if I would declare a family favorite it would have to be Lee Michael. His presence just lights up any room regardless of the fact of his shyness. I said if because I do not have a favorite Nephew or Niece. Only those parents of more than one child can understand that you can equally love more than one child but yet also love them differently. This is truly one of God’s greatest mysteries. But anyway, I love my Nephew Louie, who also taught me other lesson’s of learning along with the next family resizing with the addition of Jennifer, my first niece. Wow, I also learned from my sister Coni that you never ever answer truthfully to a mother about the looks of her new born baby. Yes, I was stupid enough to say that Jennifer was an ugly baby to Coni. Well, I thought she was and frankly, I think most all new born babies are ugly, except for mine of course! Well they are! They either look like aliens who just broke free from an egg pod or they look like old elderly people. Oh but yet another learning experience that was. Jennifer taught me many things. First that ugly babies become rather beautiful kids very quickly, and secondly, that life is precious and short and a child deserves YOUR best treatment at all times even when they actually act like children! Jennifer. I could write for years on how she impacted me and I would have to entitle it “Regret’s”. But we have an understanding now that she lives in heaven and knows my heart and the love I had for her. Did you know people can forgive you even after death? It is true. So again this too can be yet another blog for another day. So, I left the coup myself and joined my wife on an adventure of lessons learned which continue today. Our family grew quickly with Amber, and both my wife Billie and I grew up with Amber! I think this is why God saw to it that the first born child should always inherit the parent’s possessions. Because they were with you when you had nothing and deserve all your possessions because they were with you when you were able to collect them. Well in our case that was how it was with Amber in tow through all the miserable times of trying to make it through life’s hardships absolutely broke with all those around making predictions and wagering on how much time before we called it quits and split up. Thank you! Your full support and faith was ever motivating! The family resized shortly later with my younger brother Terry flying the coup to marry Mary. Our family was reduced to just mom and we fractured off with each his own family. Terry and Mary who we all thought would be unable to produce children ended up being as fertile as the Tennessee Valley with 5 children of their own. (so far) With Brian, Isaac and Abbie Gail, those I haven’t mentioned yet bring my mom with a total of 11 grandchildren. This brings me to the point of this blog. No, I am not drinking and rambling off about the past for no reason. Every time Amber comes home for a visit I find myself being selfish of her time here. Yes, I even get jealous when she runs off with all her friends and spends time with them. When they come over I am reintroduced to all these young studs who remind me of how I use to look. (Another blog) and then I am rebuked by Amber for forgetting most of their names although she forgets that they have changed physically since she use to hang out with them and that she has more friends than Mother Teresa. But when she comes home and goes out on a date I love to purposely call her date by another young man’s name. J This can be quite fun. I love the look of confusion on their faces. Back to the point, Amber is all grown up now and off living on her own in another part of the States as she serves our country and when she returns for a visit I want her time. The reason for this deep down inside me is because I do not want to face the fact that Amber has left the nest. We did our job. Her life is now her life and we will become like my mom did. I don’t want to face the fact that our family will fracture and resize like the family I grew up in did. That means that before I know it Isaac will be leaving our home to travel his own path and then it will Be Abbie Gail’s turn to leave. I guess I am selfish to the point that I do not want to be old and waiting for a visit from my children. I often wonder, am I the guy in the song “The Cat’s in the Cradle”? Is that really my fear? Have I spent enough good quality time with my children that they will need me in their lives or did I short cut their time with Dad running around playing policeman while they grew up? Yes, it is a fear. So I must allow Amber the space she needs to recharge all of her batteries at home. And that means that I must remind myself that I myself and her mom are not Amber’s whole world even if we want that to be the case. Let her grow and enjoy her freedom to choose who to visit and how much time to spend with mom and dad. I love Amber and I am very proud of her as those of you who follow my blog know. But I am also very selfish. I need to remind myself that the world does not exist to please me. (Although I admit, I want it to!) I just hate seeing my life slipping away so quickly and I want to slow it down for my own benefit. Hey, just being honest with my readers you know?

Sometimes I Just Sit and Wonder

I think about my life and what it means or think about what it is supposed to mean. Is it a test? Am I just an experiment to see what I will do in any given situation? Am I just like a mouse that has been placed in a box filled with a maze of pathways to choose with nothing but my own brain and its storage of experiences to guide me through the next opening in the maze, only to hope I choose the right path? I am but one person, one body in the world of so many people at a specific period of time. I am Just one in billions who each have their own paths to travel. I have responsibilities to others, my family, my children, my bosses, my employees. All of whom depend upon me. Every conversation that comes from my mouth effects all those who are around me. My chosen words and actions cause the reactions I get from each and every person I come across in this life. Experience as mentioned before causes me to be careful to choose my words with those around me. Why? Is it for just my own selfish desires or conveniences which words I choose to speak to those around me? Do I consider some better than others and speak kinder to them while being less careful with those I feel May not benefit me as much? Or do I have deeper and more pure motives that cause me to treat others as I myself would want to be treated in order to be a benefit to those whom paths I cross? I always take measure of my life and its purpose and yet I always seem to be unsatisfied with the results of what I see. Is it again selfishness that I am not where I feel I could have been at this point in time, or do I feel pride that I am in better circumstances than others I see around me? Could it be that it may not be pride I feel but gratefulness that I have more than others may have? Or is it as it seems most of the time that I feel I do not have as much in my possession as others do around me? I think sometimes of all the people I have hurt in one way or another, some out of meanness and some out ignorance. Maybe a few I have hurt have been out of jealousy? Why do all these people cross my path and some stay but so many seem to go away? Are these same people merely traveling their own path in search of what meaning life has to them? Could it be that I am one of those people who simply do not offer as much benefit to their own lives and they move onward to other places and people? Sometimes I wonder what affect my life will have had in other people’s lives long after I reach the end of this maze. Will I be remembered by those who remain? Will I have left an impression on them that they may have benefited from or will my passing be of no consequence to their lives at all? I wonder if my life will have touched enough people in a positive giving way that will leave those behind with something to pass on for others to benefit. Has God given me life in order to offer a chance for me to do good for others? Or has God given me life as an experiment of failure to which opportunities were given but I failed to see them and let the selfish desires cloud my way, or the heartaches and troubles cause me to lose heart? When I think deeply like this it always seems to make me feel yet again unworthy or incapable due to the many wrong decisions or failures whether through ignorance or fault. At last, I see that I am imperfect and in need of God’s help when things are going good and especially when I am simply just being me and make a total mess of things. Thank God that He is merciful. Even for those like me.