Is Life a Test and What is My Score?

Sometimes I wonder about the people that cross our paths in life. There are so many that come and go and some that return years later even closer than the first go around. I also have experienced many people, even relatives who were very close and even inseparable from me who flittered away to the point that an occasional conversation becomes difficult or uncomfortable. It seems that walls of protection or defense are constructed within my heart or mind that eventually grow to the point that those once close are now on the outside of my life orbiting my sphere as the planets, moons and stars orbit the sun. They are there and I can see them but they are too far out of reach to relate too. I have even had a few close friends that drifted out of touch when at one time the thought would be unthinkable. I have a younger brother named Terry. I love him and I am sure he loves me because growing up we were each others shadows and could even read each others facial expressions and know exactly what the other was thinking. The closeness was more than mere brothers; it was also a close friendship. Upon our teenage years we developed from a personality we both shared into separate personalities and interests that drove a wedge between us and we too drifted apart. My mother lives with Terry and I visit her there when I can. Even in my own brother’s house I feel out of place and slightly uncomfortable in the same way I would feel at a mere acquaintances home. We sometimes text each other and trade updates on our home life or work but that is pretty much the extent of any contact. Occasionally, I will happen upon an old photograph of Terry and I and it seems ancient. It seems like another lifetime ago. We I see his picture I remember the Terry of 5, 10 or 12 years old. Not the Terry of today. I remember the thousands of baseball games we played together, just me and him. We never had the opportunity to play sports like our own kids do at the park. That didn’t stop us from learning to hit a ball or catch a pop fly. I also remember the hundreds of times we laid on one of the many Eastlake concrete bridges and fished for Brim with only fishing line, hook and bread crumbs. I remember the expeditions of climbing onto the roof tops of businesses on 1^st Avenue North until we were chased off or we saw a patrol car coming before we made our escape. I remember the times we hiked Ruffner Mountain by ourselves while our mother thought we were out in the neighborhood playing or the rock fights we kids who lived on the Alley’s would have with those who lived on 6^th Avenue, but I couldn’t tell you two things about him now other than the basics. I know more about those I work with than him. How did we grow so far apart? I also think of the people who cross my path for a short time who really had an impact on me. The ones I really loved knowing and the situations of life remove them from me. I miss them. I also think about the ones who came as a wolf in sheep’s clothing to befriend me and later cause me great trouble or pain. I wonder at times how many people’s path I have crossed and have left them feeling regret to have met me. I often feel life is a test of triumph and trials and often try to calculate my own score. Do I pass this test of life? Do I have more people who dislike me than I do who I have enriched in one way or the other? Or, is it possible that I choose to continue to build walls that have prevented a better outcome in relationships with others? Sometimes I just wonder how long the test will last and if I have enough time to improve the score.